Feed: Bipolar Frustrations - AggScore: 71.6
“The drugs make you numb.” How often I’ve heard people tell me this. But when I’m not on them they say, “You’re overly emotional, pull yourself together.” I can’t win, and I know I’m not alone. Balancing one’s mental health and life is like walking on a tightrope, granted life is like walking on a tightrope in general, only with mental illness thrown in, it’s kind of like walking the same tight rope carrying a dozen eggs *one’s sanity at the moment* in a wind storm.
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The thing I hate most about my mental illness is how it affects the relationships I have with those I love. I have a younger sister, she’s eight and I’m twenty two. I don’t go home much anymore, I have an apartment so I don’t need to, but I miss my family terribly and they only live twenty minutes away. I especially miss my sister, who I would do anything for. However, I’m too afraid to go home, fearing I’ll have an episode there, she is too young to understand what’s going on and she looks up to me. I would rather be a wonderful idea/memory to her than something that is confusing and frustrating currently. When she gets a little older I won’t be so distant because she’ll be able to understand better,but i don’t want to put her through something like this now, I love her too much for that, Iwould rather remove myself from her life at the moment and love her from afar than put her through this. I hope she’ll understand when she’s older and hope beyond hope she’s been spared having a mental illness herself. I don’t want her to go through what I’ve gone thorugh and am going through.
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Two things that I’ve found which help across the board of mental illnesses independent of medicine and therapy are having a daily routine and regular exercise. Another thing that seems to help is to force yourself to do the things you used to love or be interested in like hobbies and friends. This is especially true with depression and bipolar. Basically, what helps me the most when I’m depressed or on the verge of having a mood swing is to pull myself out of myself for a while and focus on something else. I know that sometimes this isn’t possible but when it is, one shouldn’t wallow in themselves, that just makes things worse. It’s my belief and experience that it’s important to be proactive with mental illness and to not just lay down and take it, mainly because once you’re down, it is so very very hard to get back up and the illness will just keep beating on you regardless of if you take it standing or laying down. The only difference is that when taking it standing up you have more control, in that sometimes one can dodge the blows and determine how they will react to the ones that actually connect, while when taking it laying down, one just gets repeatedly pummeled. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of getting beat up and taking it laying down, I want to stand again and that takes more than medicine or therapy, that takes a conscious decician and a lot of internal struggle, but it’s more than worth it in my book.
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I hate it when you can feel yourself starting to have a mood swing you can’t do anything about. It’s like frost, starting at the edges of your consciousness, slowly working its way across your mind till you’re blind and the mood swing is all there is. Sometimes one can fight it and win, but sometimes there’s not a damn thing you can do about it other than damage control. Not a damn thing, and that’s a terrible feeling… knowing you can’t do anything… It’s like struggling in quicksand, it only draws you in faster. But unlike quicksand, one can’t escape a bad mood swing by not struggling, either way one gets pulled down deep and can’t escape until the quicksand decides when to let go.
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Thought of the day,
Depression sucks, as does the feelings of inadequacy and isolation that go along with it. It’s so hard to get up and do anything, like walking through taffy, living like this is so draining and so hard, even the simplest thing can be exhausting. Then there is the fear of people not understanding, of being judged or of being written off that causes me to keep to myself when I’m feeling depressed. It’s a vicious cycle that one knows reaching out or doing something will break, but it’s so hard to do, so simple to do, so intimidating to do. Support and understanding, but not enabling, from family, friends and, most importantly yourself, is key in getting through a depression. Every time it happens is different though, sometimes it’s easier than others to pull yourself out of it. Hopefully this round of depression will be easier than harder to get out of.
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One of the side effects of the medication I’m on is periodic insomnia and wrestlessness. Sometimes I wake up and just have to take a walk at five in the morning, or I wake up and it takes hours to get back to sleep. There are a few things I do that help me clam down and get back to sleep: taking a walk, taking a warm bath, drinking chamomile tea, taking some Valerian root or taking a Trazodone.
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I’ve been diagnosed as having bipolar/a mood disorder for nearly two years, but I’ve been living with it all my life. I was just recently diagnosed because I’ve been under a lot of stress lately thanks to trying to work my way through collage and get two unrelated degrees, but the disorder has always been there. It was misdiagnosed when I was younger as having OCD, anxiety and then depression, but none of the solutions for these disorders really helped me, sometimes they even made things worse. When I was young I threw tantrums nearly everyday. As I got older I learned that it was inappropriate and unjust for me to vent my mood swings on my loved one and so, as an adolescent/teen living in the country, I would run into the woods and scream, not coming home intil I was exhausted. Today, as a young adult living in the city, I have to relearn how to cope with my mood swings. I have, unfortunately, taken to turningmy anger in on myself and isolating myself during and after mood swings. This cuases me to feel very alone, self loathing and for the disorder to, in a way, rule me. I don’t come to this site with all the answers, I come looking for help and looking to help. The hope behind this site is that the interactions that will take place on this site will serve to not only help me learn to cope better, but will serve to help a multitude of people in the same boat cope better and learn to live thier lives again.
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First off, this site isn’t going to give you all the answers to bipolar or the depression that goes with it. This site is about life with bipolar and how I and others have learned to cope with it’s up and downs. This site is about support, sharing information and communicating in a safe and space. The goal of this site is to help people with this disorder, including myself, get help, help themselves, learn better coping mechanisms and learn how to live life not ruled by a chemical imbalance.
