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African Village

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. “What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief. “Forget the damn lion !” he howled. “Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?”

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas‘, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get dollarsignr400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on dollarsignr800 a year!’

Which Gender Should Your PC Be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

They have a lot of data, but they’re still clueless.
A better model is just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
It’s always essential to have a backup.
They’ll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody’s home.
Big power surges knock them out at night.
Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

They’re oh so picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask them what’s wrong, they always say ‘nothing’.
They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
Small talk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild.

The Angry Genie

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss.”

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money”, he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man’s bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss’ account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss’ house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish, you should choose carefully”, and so the man replied… “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”

Angry Husband

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wifein bed with a naked man. ‘What are you doing’ he shouted.To which his wife said to her lover ‘See, I told you he was stupid’

Construction Worker

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?” The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Nice Quotes and Sayings

* Life is short and so is money *

* Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity *

* Ask no questions and hear no lies *

* Divide and conquer *

* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together *

* Being cool, is not trying to be cool *

* It´s good to be clever, but not to show it *

* Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time *

* Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so *

* Rules without relationship equals rebellion *

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* No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive *

* Honesty is the best policy *

* If you see something you like, take it and make it better *

* If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living *

* The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it *

* A lawful kiss is never worth a stolen one *

* To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance *

* Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced *

* The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive *

* A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have *

* I´m serious; it was only a joke *

* One drop of ink may make a million think *

* I only work to enjoy when I am not working *

FANTASTIC weekend

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
“I’m looking for a special ring for my girlfriend,” he said.
Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. “I don’t think you understand-I want something very unique,” the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. “Here’s one stunning ring at $40,000.” The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. “How are you paying?” asked our jeweler.
“I’ll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I’ll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I’ll fetch the ring on Monday.”
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. “You lied, there’s no money in that account.” “I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?”

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Marketing Explained

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, “Hi, I’m great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says “Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say “Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, “Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, “Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Hard Selling.

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You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, “Hi, I hear you’re great in bed, how about it?”

Now THAT is the power of Branding.

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A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming “Best Deals”.

Not long after he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next-door, on the other side if his store. It’s large sign was even more disturbing- “Lowest Prices”.

After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally, an idea came to him. Next day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read,

“Main Entrance”!

Turkey Sandwich

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and
became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat
their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey
sandwich every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one
day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a turkey sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating turkey, don’t you
like it anymore?”

She said, “I love it, but I have to stop eating it.”

“Why?” he said.

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She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow
little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said. “Okay” and she pulled up her skirt, he
looked and said “That’s right you are, better not eat any more
turkey.”

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating turkey. I’m
starting to get feathers down there too.”

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you, you’ve already got
the neck and gizzards!!!”

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