Feed: Lady Diairies- What I Have Learned In My Twenties - AggScore: 46.0

When You Just Don't Care Anymore

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It has been a while since I have journaled online. Although, I have been writing a ton offline just to help me process all that has been going on the last few years. Sometimes we blow through the trials of life and never take the time to evaluate how they have changed us for the good or for the bad. We are just glad to be done with all that mess!!

You know, it seems at some point in your Christian walk that God allows you to go through so much testing and trials everything about who you are as a person is extremely raw and unnerving.

I went through that not too long. Middle of 2010 was the year I started coming out of that mode, but prior to that it had been the dumbest, ugliest and heartbreaking 3-5 year period. Now, i'm kinda at the point where I don't get angry every time I think about that season of life.

It was just one of those seasons where there is no relief from being hit one after another by blows of life from car accidents, to illness, to betrayal, to rejection and to deaths in the family and loads more. It was one of those times where I felt like I was at the mercy of anything or anyone who wanted to inflict harsh conditions on me and my family.

About half way through that time period I shut down a lot. Lol, I think I was just in shock over the turning points of life that I never saw coming. I remember for 2 or 3 months people from church would ask me if I was OK, because it was like I went mute. I had nothing to say and I was so blown away by life at the time I could not even put into words how I felt.

As time progressed and those trials kept on comin' I became so raw in my emotions and thoughts. It was like impossible to fake being happy and my tolerance level for certain types of people and drama were completely demolished! People, I was on such bad behavior during that time because I was too raw to care.

I didn't go buckwild or anything :) I just let all my attitudes show and told you off if I felt like it. Things that I did not like about my life I cut them out, even if it meant some people had to go bye bye. I cut those things out without a second thought because I just didn't care anymore. I was just so undone by everything a lot my behavior and attitudes surprised me.

I share this because as a Christian especially in America we are so trained that we have to keep it all together all the time and act like nothing gets to us because we trust in God soooo much. When sometimes all God wants us to do is just be real people that he can work through even in our most ugliest states.

I can think of the times when King David was so real and raw in the scriptures to the point he asked God to kill his enemies. Or how about when Jesus was about to be crucified and he was sweating blood and pleading to the Father for that cup to pass from him. They were so raw from those situations they just didn't care about putting up a "I got this" front.

It is OK not to have it all together. WE are promised trials in the scripture and sometimes we have no control over them taking us to our breaking points. And when you are at the breaking point and you just don't care, go for it!

Here is the thing, it is just another opportunity to cry out to God and experience such deep transformation of our inner world than if we fought to keep it all together. Whatever pain draws us to Jesus and helps us become like him it is worth it in the end. Plus, when we chose to serve and love him in our pain he turns it ALL around for the good. God never wastes any of our life experiences good or bad, but we gotta stay with him.

Whatever things you don't like about yourself during these times, don't condemn yourself. Don't even try to become a better person by changing your actions; invite the presence of God to change your heart. Invite him to bring you peace and if you need to repent of something do it and submit to his hand to change you. He loves you so much.

Take It Like A Man... That Would Work If I Were A Man. Finding Your Feminine Heart Again.

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I thought I would take a little break from a project I have been working on the last few hours and write : )

There is something about our culture that started to make me mad about a year ago. It seems there is hardly any room left in society for women to just be women. Sometimes, it feels like we have to take on the blows, weight and responsibilities of the world like men. No matter what your personality type cool and calm, hyper and headstrong ,the life of the party or sweetly introverted we all have a femininity that cultures threatens at times.

Around last year this time, I felt highly irritated by life. Yeah, there had been some good sized trials that last few years, but 2010 things were starting to get better. I was working, living in a beautiful home, going to a wonderful church, serving in ministry and getting some real clear direction on where God was leading my life as far as destiny goes.. I couldn't understand why I was so irritated with life.

Then one morning God revealed to me that I was not doing anything in my life that made me feel like a real woman.

Supporting yourself as a woman these days is rough and when you are living on your own,paying all your bills, trying to be a strong Christian in worldly environments its tiring. When your emotional needs aren't being met you still have to find a way to give out to the people around you and keep your own life balanced. You feel like you have to be super woman. This forces us to move into a masculine energy of conquering things and having everything under control. That's alright sometimes (cause there are seasons when you just gotta do what ya' gotta do), but not at the expense of seeing your feminine heart go bye, bye.

Being in responsibility and conquer mode alllll the time seems to be a killer of a woman's heart and her desires.

There are many different ways to define, express and cultivate femininity it's hard to define because every woman is different. Every woman probably has her own definition of what femininity means to her. However, generally femininity is the beauty of the heart, outer beauty, intuition, mercy, grace, nurturing and compassion.

To me cultivating femininity means doing the things that make me feel like a real, valuable and beautiful woman. When God showed me that I began to think of all the things I love to do and I started doing them again.

At the time I lived in an area surrounded by nature and hiking trails, so most days after work I took two hour hikes. I forgot how much I loved nature, the sky and gentle breezes. There is something about appreciating nature that awakens your heart.

Sometimes feeling like a woman for me meant cooking for my friends. To me there is something very nurturing about feeding people. Almost weekly I would have a few guys and girls over to eat a home cooked meal. Feeding people is my own personal love language. At other times it was listening to classical music, reading a magazine or venting to a girlfriend.

Dancing was another big release for me. I was a dancer as a little girl that is what I studied, but gave it up by Jr. High. Then someone from my church had a word of knowledge about me being a dancer and that he envisioned me dancing in a huge field of green grass totally care free. Little did he know there was a huge field of grass near the hiking trails I would walk daily and deep down inside I always wanted to go dance under the sky, but I never did!

However, after that word he had I started doing that several times a week (only at night though so no one could see me : ) ). I would walk up to that field around 8pm with my Ipod and I would dance my heart out to anything from Michael Jackson to ballet music.

What about you?

In the midst of all things you have to do ladies, in the midst of the situations where you have to be "the man", what about your feminine side? What are the things that you like to do that makes you feel like a real, valuable and beautiful woman? Take a break from being "the man" or simply take a break from feeling like you have to take the weightiness of life like a man. Go and have a good cry, ball your eyes out, throw something if you like ; )

Just start practicing engaging your feminine heart back into day to day life again! It feeeeeels soooo goood!

Killing Prince Charming!!

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y Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 02/11/2011 at 2:37 PM

For several years one of my guy friends has been telling me that the reason more Christian singles are not getting together is the "Prince Charming Syndrome." Most women, he says, are waiting for their prince to come, and frankly, the average Christian guy can't live up to that expectation.

Recently a married friend's husband said, "Women need to give up on Prince Charming and look over and notice the perfectly good squire climbing the tower. He's the one who's actually doing something."

But females aren't the only ones with the wrong expectations. The same friend said this of his single 20-something brother: "I think he's looking for the hot, female version of himself."

This was not the first time I've heard these exact words in reference to what an eligible single Christian guy seemed to be looking for. So I asked my husband why this is so: "I think because guys connect through activities, they think it's very important that a female share their interests. And, of course, they're visual, so they're looking for someone they're attracted to."

But just like a woman's belief that her guy must be Prince Charming is unrealistic, a man's expectation that a woman be the supermodel version of himself is equally unrealistic. Essentially, what we are looking for may not exist. And if it does, it may not even be the best thing for us. So where are these expectations coming from?

Love and Respect guru Dr. Emerson Eggerichs recently delivered a message at my church, and something he said stuck with me: "Christians today are more informed on love and relationships by 'Holywood' than the Holy Word." His point: TV and movies are giving us an unrealistic view of what love and relationships are about. I touched on this in one of my articles:

We can be easily tricked into believing attraction is eyes meeting across the room in an electric jolt. When, in actuality, romance is more in line with Boaz hearing of Ruth's outstanding character, noticing her in the field, pouring out special favor on her, protecting her from his men and ultimately becoming her kinsman redeemer. As you can see, the second romantic scenario contains far more substance than the first.

The root of the issue is who or what is informing your picture of the ideal mate? And is an unrealistic expectation holding you back from considering someone who might be really great for you? I've heard countless stories of people having to get over something they weren't anticipating in their future mate: age, weight, level of education, job status, varying interests. But these individuals got past those differences and now have happy, fulfilling marriages.

If these people hadn't "settled" for something different than they had in mind, they would have missed out. So, ladies, is it time for you to kill your "Prince Charming" image of your future mate and give the squire a chance? Guys, do you need to let go of waiting for a gorgeous girl who shares your every interest to appear? There might be a lot more marriages made if we did.

Making Space For That One Love Pt.2

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So, one Saturday afternoon almost 2 years ago I took a few hours out of my day and began to gut out my room and see if there be any old items that would represent emotional attachments from the past.

Sure enough there were things in my room lonnnnng forgotten and stored away in places I haven't looked in years. I had pictures, letters, cards nothing super romantic or anything. They were just things from guys that I had liked or they liked me at some point in time.

One particular young man was in love with me for years, we were good friends, but I never had the same level of love for him. He was more like a buddy to me, but I tell you one thing he knew how to treat me like a princess. He was sooo tender-hearted and gentle with me. He had chivalry down pat and he always made me feel like a gem. If anything, he was in my life to teach me how a woman should be loved and adored and I am thankful for that knowledge/experience.

Anyway, over the years as he would travel he would send me postcards. Whenever he would come back from a trip he would always have beautiful jewelry for me. Christmases and birthday's were always a treat. I remember one year there was this antique that I really admired and he took note of that. So, for weeks he looked everywhere to find it and he bought it for me for my birthday : )

So, I found all these random things in my room. I got a big trash bag and threw what I found away. I paid attention to my hearts responses as a picked up old pictures, ect. if it made my hurt stir in some way or if I had even a slight bit of pain, I knew that was an emotional attachment. It needed to be dealt with right then and there. As I threw the item in the trash I would say " In Jesus name I sever this emotional attachment and I let you fill my heart".

Recently, I remembered another place where there might be old things I should get rid of. So, in the coming days I will carve out more time and get rid of more stuff if need be.

All this to say, "Out with the old and in with the new" when God is about to do a new thing there has to be a definite breaking of the old ties physically and emotionally. Sometimes, we just hinder the new because we still have these ties that God meant us to break a lonnnng time ago.

I have to remember that for myself all the time and sometimes God just does not want to mix the old and the new together, it can create a mess. We just need to give ourselves a clean slate emotionally, so that when that "one" comes that new fresh heart of yours belongs to him only and he can find safety in that...

PS I think I will do one more post on this topic. Since what I am talking about is almost two years ago, I will bring you up to speed on where I am now.

Making Space For That One Love Pt.1

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Yep! I am talking about men folk. Love and all that stuff has not been the major topic of my life and close friends lives for the last few years. Believe it or not, when we would get together for our "girls night" and sleepovers that was the last thing we wanted to talk about. We were too busy finishing school, working and kind of fed up with all that stuff for more reasons than one.

However, the last 6-8 months in all my many circles of girlfriends/acquaintances this topic has come up wayyyy more and in a more positive and hopeful light. I think that God is doing a new and fresh thing in this area. More on that in another post. So, if I post much on this topic, its because God is speaking to me loudly about it and what he wants to do.

Almost two years ago, one of my pastors wives at the church was really pouring into my life and one night she told me, "Get ready to be a bride" back in the day that would have excited me, but I was like, "What the heck???" my mindset had not been in that direction for many reasons. However, I knew it was the Lord speaking to me, because in a different way he told me the same thing, but I was not trying to hear that. I was totally playing air-head with the Lord.

She kept insisting that I prepare myself in every way. When I saw her seriousness I started to embrace what she was saying. She then told me I needed to clean out my room and my closets!!! She felt like I had things in my room that had old emotional attachments to guys I had liked or guys that had liked me and I needed to get rid of them as the first step to becoming a bride.

Then she told me the importance of having the mindset of a bride who only wants, "the one". Which, that is something I have always wanted. Really, I could care less about having many guys interested in me. It just makes things all too confusing. I care about "the one". However, I just never realized that old emotional attachments could be a hindrance to the one coming.

Think about walking into a man's life and then you begin to see pictures in his house or on his phone, old gifts, ect. from his ex or a "close" friend. That would make you feel like there is something still goin on, right? Even if that "something" is just going on in his heart and mind. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if a guy still has someone hidden in his heart, but God can reveal it quick if you ask him. Hahahaha, its especially easy though to tell if he is a musician/singer because they usually write/sing about it ; ) Just a little tip...

I would not be comfortable with that and I would pass on that relationship if I kept seeing signs of old emotional attachments still lingering around his life. I would hope the Lord would not drop me into the life of a man who is not emotionally ready. And he won't...

So, God began to give me such a love and heart for my future spouse; that I wanted to take action to get rid of my own old emotional attachments, because when he comes I want him to know in every way he IS "the one" and there is no other lingering in the background of my heart and mind.

Okay, I will have to stop here and write part 2 later, because I have been typing most of the day and my hand is about to fall off...

If you are sucker for a good love song...here is one I REALLY like!

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I Brutally kicked My Pickyness and Shallowness To The Curb!

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I realized a few days ago how the negative things of life even from early childhood really frames what we will accept or reject in life. Sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes a bad thing because we can end up blocking out many things or people God wants to bring into our lives.

I'll use my crazy self for example, in one area of my life since its the most recent one God has been dealing with me on. When I was a child I was in love with musicians, pastors and businessmen. I know,I was not the typical little girl who liked the little boys in Sunday school. I could careless about little boys. I liked full on grown men. I probably did not start liking guys my own age till late junior high.

My father was/is a musician, so when I was little all I wanted was to marry someone who could sing, write, play the guitar and lead worship like my dad. And I was just surrounded by many other types of musicians allll the time, but I saw over time how if that became an obsession or the main focus of your life how self centered and selfish one can become and that is never a good thing for any type of relationship. I then began to see the same trend amongst pastors and businessmen I looked up too.

So, by the time I was between 13-15 I told God he better not ever make me marry a pastor, businessman or a musician(especially). Oh and there was a certain race I told him I would never even date! Howwwwwww RUDE! I'm such a jerk, how shallow is that??I was so serious about that it has framed my way of thinking till super recently.

All of a sudden these things surround me in such a way that is totally unavoidable. Why? because some if not all of those elements have a lot to do with the destiny God has already set out for me and I am beginning to walk more into that with such a God ordained force there is no way to avoid it...Isn't it amazing how the enemy works for many years in most cases to cause us to despise very important elements of our destiny without us ever really realizing it?!

In a prayer meeting last week God began to show me how my reservedness of certain types of people turned into an unhealthy stereotype, that turned into ridiculous picky shallowness. It has caused me to overlook the people that God loves and who don't at all match the frame I put around my own mind, because a handful of people growing up misrepresented. Should now the rest have to pay for what the few misrepresented? Should I resist being a blessing to them and them being a blessing to me? Should I resist love, relationship and the furtherance of all of our God ordained destinies(we all need each other) just because of lame pickiness and shallowness?!!

I had to tell my own self to get a serious grip. I totally repented of the old ways of thinking and told the Lord I will never consciously reject what he brings to my life especially in regards to the things that directly relate to the call on my life. That revelation impacted me so much I was ongoing-ly surrendering to God's choices for me all through the night till the morning. When God wants to make point he goes deeeeep!

Do You Remember This Song??? I LOOOOOVE IT!

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I Don't Owe You Jack!!!

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I can just remember various times throughout my 20's when it seemed like everyone and their mother wanted something from me or that I always had to prove myself. You know the feeling. Having to prove yourself to parents, prove yourself to professors, employers, classmates, church people...the list goes on and on! Most of these people mean well, but the pressure to live up to the image each of these people have for you is incredibly impossible and draining!!

Do you ever just feel like yelling out to the atmosphere, "EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP"? I kind of laugh about it now, but the annoyance of it is sooooo deep! You can't think straight when multiple people are wanting you to shape your life this way and that way and they don't let up on it! You can't even hardly discern what you want to do or who you want to be with all that noise. Again, most of them mean well, but its just too much. What is one supposed to do??? Smile and nod, lol nah just kidding : )

The ultimate peak of my frustration with all that happened last fall. It had been building up for a few years and I SNAPPED!!! I did not get crazy on folks, I just disappeared for like two months. I had just moved to Chino Hills in a beautiful home surrounded by nature. It was like being on a retreat. I put myself on a personal retreat. So, I got rid of my Facebook, went only to work and church and did not hang with any of my friends. I went of hikes and just spent loads of time with the Lord. I was so MIA and it felt so good.

I had never done that before, but with so many pressures and trials and too many people wanting things from me...I was in rare form. I did not want to get crazy on folks, so I decided to give myself space and time away from all the noise and all the voices. I went on a 40 day liquid fast and just sought the Lord about EVERYTHING.

The one thing the Lord showed me about all the expectations from people is that I don't owe them anything except to love them. Romans 13:8 tells us that we owe no man nothing, but to love them! It was incredibly freeing because we can get so much into people pleasing because we feel we owe them their fulfillment of the way they think we should be; or how we should be living our lives.

Lol, we are not here on this earth for all that! We are here to please the Lord and care about what he cares about and do the works of Jesus. Ultimately, we were created to be worshipers of the Lord. Pleasing the Lord will sometimes mean that we will fail the earthly expectations of people and that is sooooooo OK. Trust me it gets easier over time and the Lord will honor you for not living your life to fulfill other peoples requirements and demands on you.

So, if you struggle with this just set yourself free by remembering the only thing we owe people is to give them the genuine powerful love of God!

Shine!!

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Every year I like to pick an anthem song for the year that represents a hope or something I want to become!Well, this song, "Shine" by Ana Nalick has been my choice for the last two years and it will probably be my pick for 2011!


Shine away ladies! Listen to this song and feel inspired. Much love to you all!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urB43BQXYKY