Feed: Is this a question of patience, or should I leave? - AggScore: 11.0

Is this a question of patience, or should I leave? My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is marriage shy.?

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pI am 31, my boyfriend is 38. My boyfriend and I started dating in July of 05. Very shortly after that September 05 I became ill with mild symptoms of chronic fatigue syndromefibromyalgia, which continued to worsen over time. We moved in together in Feb 06, and I transferred jobs and moved out of my county to come to where he was. As the lesser earner, it seemed the logical choice for me to be the one to relocate. For a year or so my physical condition continued to get worse. My doctor would not listen to me said there was nothing wrong and prescribed antidepressants and my boss would not accommodate me reasonably by moving me to a less physically strenuous department, until I had to step down my position and go on temporary disability. Through all of this my boyfriend was very patient, and tried hard to help me as much as possible. We continued to get along very well, and shared many very good times in spite of the difficulty. Over time we acquired three cats, who we love very much but shed a lot. He started to complain about the mess.I tried to keep up, but Ive never been as neat at my boyfriend is hes a vet, and it is a losing battle for me. He insists that he does not believe housework is a womans job, but he doesnt clean a whole lot himself, saying hes responsible for quothis messquot and not mine. He travels much lighter than I. Since we both live together and I didnt make the cat mess either it seems to me he ought to pitch in more and complain less, but he digs in his heels. I told him I would love to be a stay at home and cook and clean for him, but I can not work full time and keep a spotless house. He says the only reason a woman should stay home is if there are children and continues to complain.When we first met in July of 05, he asked me what sort of ceremony I would want should I ever marry. By early 07 hed changed his tune to quotId have to think long and hard about it and be with the right person before Id ever consider doing that againquot he has been married twice, both divorces took place shortly after return from deployment to a war zone. By November 07 we had been living together 1 12 years he was saying quotI really hope you can work on the mess, because this is like our trial basis to decide if we would ever want to move forward with this or notquot. Needless to say I was devastated. After 212 years together I had thought we were past quottrial basisquot. I lost all interest in maintaining the relationship, simply trying to keep myself afloat despite my crushed feelings. He, too, withdrew. Several months passed and we did sit down to talk it out, but I ended up telling him all of my feelings about the situation while he simply apologized for hurting me so much. He did say he was unsure of how I came to feel he did not love me, and said quotAll that I have and everything I am have been yours I gave them to you.quot, but he would not tell me what the problem was or how I could fix it.And despite his declaration of love, I find it hard to believe him now. He continues to complain about the mess and be evasive regarding his feelings about the relationship, saying that where he comes from people dont just run off and get married and cant we just take things one day at a time. I grow weary of this, and find that I am increasingly filled with resentment toward him for continuing to try to force me to become someone else to suit his needs. I have told him I will never be able to accommodate a full time job and maintain our home the way he wants it, despite the marked improvement I have made in the last year under the care of a new doctor. It simply is not in me to do it all. He continues to stubbornly insist I work and take care of the mess, and even complained when I told him I wanted to start a home business on the side to try to mitigate my debt. He said it would give me even less time to try and take care of the mess. Only after I explained to him my need to do this, without a man who is willing or able to help me secure a financial future, did he support my idea to try and help myself to make more money.Over time the tension between us has grown, and though we do talk it out from time to time and we do still have many good times together, it seems that things are just continuing to deteriorate between us. I try my best to be what he wants me to be, but I simply can not be this super woman, and I find that over time I have become increasingly filled with rage and resentment at his refusal to compromise and to commit. He seems to switch between being very dissatisfied and being very much in love. Some days he complains about the mess, others he wraps his arms around me and showers me with kisses. Sometimes he sighs deeply, others he smiles. Lately he makes it a point to try and get out for a dinner date, just the two of us, once a week. I told him I was willing to wait because a husband under duress is no husband at all, but I honestly feel like heI feel like he is waiting for me to become someone else. It is clear to me from the signs he exhibits that he is very conflicted, but I am unsure of how long I ought to wait for him to sort this out. Is this a lost cause or a matter of forbearance on my partOops, thats veteran, not veterinarian!p