Feed: To Every Man A Manswer - AggScore: 81.3

Dr. Awesome,

I am wondering what is the best way to tell your husband that you are pregnant? Any suggestions?

XXXX
(I've removed her name just in case Kate's husband is reading this)

XXXX,

Strictly speaking, by definition I am incapable of either having a husband or being pregnant. But you were probably referring to yourself and wanting to tell *your* husband. If that is the case, I think you have a few options. I don't have much experience in this area (telling people that I am pregnant) but if it were me I would probably go the subtle route. I'd say something like, "I think if I were pregnant I'd probably like to eat corndogs all the time." Then I'd go to Wal-Mart and buy one of those 96 count corndog boxes. This way, your husband will not only be excited when he finds out that you are carrying his progeny, but there will also be tons of beefy wieners coated in delicious batter in the freezer. Of course there is the nasty method, which involves hiding the positive pregnancy test in his sandwich. Or you can not tell him at all and see how long it takes for him to ask why you are throwing up so much. Or you can go the hyper-spiritual route, by saying you'd like to say the blessing and then doing one of those "pray for everything but for the food" deals where you ask God to help you be good parents. Whatever method you choose, though, being a parent is the coolest thing I've ever done. Congrats to you and your husband. It makes me happy when the Dr Awesome family grows.

Dr Awesome

Necklaces. They are just for girls, right?

Your Brother in Christ,
Bert

Bert,

Yes. Now keep in mind that not everything you wear around your neck is a necklace. I'm throwing out this exception because I'd hate to see you harmed bodily by people who wear non-necklace things around their necks. Soldiers, for instance, wear dog tags. Tribal warriors wear the bones of defeated adversaries. Mr T wears golden chains of pity. Those are just a few examples of people with stuff around their necks who could hurt you. But by and large, men should stay away from necklace-type jewelry. I mean, necklace is just neck+lace, and men don't need to be wearing lace anywhere, neck or otherwise. And, you don't want to give somebody something to strangle you with, right? Personally I'm not a big fan of men wearing jewelry at all, but I recognize that's just because I was raised that way. Wedding rings are fine, along with Super Bowl rings and brass knuckles, but I just don't understand gold chains or ear rings or other such decorations. I see a guy with diamond ear rings, and I think "what a moron, doesn't he know that for the same money he could have bought a sweet pair of night vision goggles?" But again, that's just me, I like to see things at night. Bottom line, unless you are a soldier, a member of a primitive tribe of badical men, or Mr T, then I advise that you stay away from all forms of neck lace.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome,
I practice all of the "givens": heading up a young God fearing family, hunting, fishing, following sports, barbecuing, and study the usual inspirationals like Perseus from the movie "Clash Of The Titans" (1981). With that said, here is my question. Do I get man demerits for having a small family dog...not like a jack russell, but like one of those little "purse" dogs that you paid for...paid a lot for. The roots of my raisin' didn't have me prepared to pay big bucks to pay for a pet...but I have to confess, 3 years ago we did. We bought a bichon frise which is like a white poodle. We got it for my wife, as her family always had/still has this breed throughout her raising, and it is one of the only type of dogs that doesn't make my allergies go crazy. It's pretty low maintenance, and it is good for the usual aggressive dog action training like "get the cat," get the squirrel," "get the ball," "Who's that!? Get 'em!" (at the frontdoor), and it makes a pretty good Po Boy's Security Alarm System at night if any potential mischif arises on the perimiter...To quote a childhood legend, it's not exactly "the rootinest, tootinest, fallootinest, shootinest, hombre north, south, east and west of the Pecos," but it's loyal and pretty tough considering. Is this okay in the name of family? Is there a Dr. Awesome manly chart for this one?
Please Advise and Thanks,
Buster

Buster,

If you take a step back and analyze your email objectively, you will see that it reads thusly:

Dr Awesome, I have the wussiest dog ever, but here are some reasons I think it might be manly. Please be an enabler for my pansitude by telling me all of this is ok. Thanks, Buster

Fortunately I'm not an enabler, unless you mean that I enable you to defeat whatever part of you is girlified, sort of like good Superman beating bad Superman in that junk yard fight in Superman III. So here is what you need to do to defeat your inner she-demons: get a manly dog, one so manly that people ask why you are trying to domesticate a kodiak bear. Name it something badical, like pretty much any character from Mortal Kombat II. And train it to be the best friend of your family and the worst enemy of anyone who would threaten your way of life, such as burglars or the US Congress. The only time you are allowed to have a wuss dog like the bichon is if it serves as the emergency backup to a real dog. This situation can be salvaged, but only if you go adopt the manliest dog you can find into your family. Best of luck to you, Buster.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome:

Many thanks for the great blog, and for your daily insights into being an man in this times.

Could you please expound on manly clothing? I would think the most manly clothing is an leather loin cloth, but given this day and age, that isn’t quite appropriate. What is the most manly clothing, and how should the clothing be used?

Also as a follow-up question, large John Deere equipment is pretty cool, but their entrance into the lawn mowing market has diluted the brand. And they have even further degraded by their embrace of apparel and clothing. I used to think that John Deere was an manly brand, but it seems like it is more of a “want-to-be-a-real-man” clothing line. Is that a correct opinion for a man to have?

Thank a million Dr. Awesome!

Scott

Scott,

I've manswered several times before on the subject of clothing in general (which you can check out by clicking here). For the most part, you want to go with clothing that values function over form. Stylishness is important, but being prepared for whatever life throws at you is more important. I don't know how familiar you are with the Old Testament, but do you remember Joseph and his coat of many colors? Pracing around the ancient near east in an elaborate coat is partially responsible for him being sold into slavery, something that wouldn't have happened had he been dressed like some sort of Hebrew ninja. Of course the Joseph story has a happy ending, which shows you that even your worst clothing choices can be redeemed and help you become the leader of a prominent ancient nation like Egypt. As far as the John Deere, it's still a manly brand, even if they've gotten a little lax with who gets to wear their hats. Personally I think they should exercise more brand control. I have some Dr Awesome merchandise, for example, but the only way you can wear it is if you successfully complete The Maninator. So far no one has passed. But I'm not going to lower my standards, lest you all wind up being sold into slavery.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome, Love your stuff. I have to go to a costume party through my wife's work tomorrow night. What should I wear? - Dave

Dave,

I have a list of unmanswered manswers backed up a couple of months, but I'm bumping this one to the top of the queue due to timeliness. Your need is immediate, so this gets elevated to manswer DEFCON 1. The last thing you need to do is compromise your masculinity by wearing a wussified costume. So let me help you out here.

Basically, I break down costumes into two categories: ones that require dressing up, and ones that don't. Now I prefer the non-dress up costumes, simply because when I get "dressed up" it is usually in camouflage, and something dies. And I've found that a good way to kill the mood at a costume party is to walk in with a freshly killed mountain lion. So I prefer what I call "psychological" costumes. But we'll get to those in a second. If you must dress up, go with something like:

- Superman. If you're going to dress up, why not pick a costume of someone who could destroy everybody else at the party with his heat vision? Sure, you could dress up as a different super hero, but why dress up in a lesser costume that guarantees you'll get your tail whipped by Superman? This costume works even if Yoda is at your party, as we all know who would win that fight. Go for the grand slam, go for the most powerful costume. Disclaimer though, don't dress up your infant as Superman. My parents made this mistake when I was younger, and I was confused for years. Why would Superman need a stroller?

- Special Forces attire. Another possibility for dressing up is to be prepared for random troubling situations that might arise. Great, dressing up as Super Mario might be creative and fun, but a plunger and a comical mustache will not help you when terrorists attack. At that point you'll definitely wish you had come dressed as a ninja. Think of John McClain in Die Hard and how he had to run across the broken glass because he didn't have shoes on. Be prepared! Note that the Superman costume works here too, because what terrorist expects freaking Superman to be at the party?

- Mime. This costume is ingenious for getting you out of small talk. You can still enjoy all the food and refreshments that people have out, since mimes have to eat or they will die off and the world be will a sadder place. But the second some boring bozo who doesn't know a thing about sports comes up to you and tries to start a conversation, you can just pretend you are stuck in an invisible box climbing a ladder. Ingenious! The perfect costume for the man who is unhappy about attending a costume party.

- Kanye West. This one is probably going to be overdone this Halloween, but you could always get one of those fake plastic bald things, paint some weird designs on it, and then go around telling everyone that Beyonce is better than them. I like this idea because it is timely, but any self-respecting terrorist is going to shoot Kanye right at the beginning. So definitely consider that before you pick this costume.

-Falcon (Balloon Boy). Another one that is timely but will probably be overdone this year. However, everyone else will be wearing huge silver helium filled Jiffy Pop looking balloons, which is all wrong. Falcon was never actually in the balloon. Little Falcon is kind of like Simon from Die Hard With A Vengeance when he said there was a bomb in a school, but only said that so he could steal 18 dump trucks worth of gold. Falcon just wanted his fifteen minutes of fame, which he is getting by being on this blog. To get the costume right, all you have to do is take a cardboard box and sit in it all night. To be as factual as possible, you should try and put the box upstairs in the attic, and don't say anything if the cops are looking for you. It is a very simple and multifunctional costume, and you can pretend to sleep to lure the Halloween terrorists into a false sense of security. And yes, I watched Die Hard this past weekend, hence all the references.

So if you insist on dressing up, those are the directions you should go. But I prefer psychological costumes...costumes where you don't have to dress up, where you instead get inside the head of those who wonder why you aren't wearing something stupid like they are. So under this scheme, you'd just show up at the part wearing normal clothes. When someone comes up to you asking who you are supposed to be, you can respond in several ways:

Clever: "I'm you, only way smarter and more sexy."

Mood killer: "I am a guy with (insert terminal disease here)."

15 year old: "I am a guy who just got done making out with your mom, BOOM!"

Annoyed: "I am a guy with a bad head ache, please leave me alone."

Gross: "I'm a guy with a highly contagious stomach virus."

Hostility: "I am a guy from the future, I have come back in time to tell you that you are an idiot and to shut up your face."

Direct: "Go away. I hate you."

Mood killer 2: "My lack of a costume represents the profound sadness that all of the people who are too impoverished to celebrate Halloween are currently experiencing."

Paranoid: Don't say anything, but point to the sky and mouth "They can hear us."

Emotional roller coaster: "Actually I am your father. No seriously, I know this is confusing, but your mom and me, well, a few years ago...anyway, go get your Pops something to drink."

Deaf: You can do any/all of the above by writing on little note cards that you are a deaf guy who doesn't know sign language but very much enjoys finger foods.

So Dave, those are my quick suggestions for costume ideas. If you're going to dress up, go for a costume that accomplishes something, like helping you be ready for danger, or helping you get out of small talk. But probably the most manly costume is to go for the subtle, sarcastic, psychological approach. People will not want to mess with you, which is good, because you don't need to get too emotionally attached to people who might get hit by stray bullets in a Halloween terrorist firefight. You might be thinking such an attack is unlikely, but I ask you, when is the easiest time for a bunch of guys dressed up like terrorists to walk around in the open without anyone asking questions? Heck, if I was a terrorist, that's when I would attack, just because the only thing better than spreading terror is spreading terror AND getting free candy. So be prepared Dave.

Dr Awesome

UPDATE: Dave, if you (or anyone else) decide to use any of these suggestions, send a picture and I'll post them here.

Dr. Awesome,

I was watching some footage of all the wildfires in California, and was wondering what I should do if I ever catch on fire. Any suggestions?

Marc

Marc,

This is an interesting manswer topic, perhaps one of the most important topics I've ever received. Yes, it is important to watch manly movies, wear manly clothing, and do other things that carry the flag of manliness onto pansified battle fields of pansitude. But all of that takes a back seat when you are actually on fire. I'd say that in all my years of being manly, maybe only twice have I actually had to do something manly while I was on fire. And one of those times was intentional...I was subduing a feral pig and I wanted to save time by cooking the meat while I wrestled it. So in almost every circumstance, your number one priority should be to extinguish the flames on your own physical person before you carry out acts of masculinitude. And that's what I'm going to help you with today.

Let's start with a history lesson. When I was younger, I was a boy scout for a couple of weeks. It didn't last very long, because they refused to allow me to enter my gas-powered pinewood derby car in the competition. In hindsight I can see why...the pinewood derby race track was not built to handle a vehicle that could travel in excess of 75 mph. But still, I didn't want to be a part of an organization that stifled my abilities, so I quit. My time there was not a total waste though...I still know their motto of ‘be prepared’, and try to live my life by it. There are any number of dangerous things that could happen to you at any given time. That's why I almost never sleep, I am always heavily armed, and I spend most of my day in a battle-ready crouched position. I frequently practice leaping into action. I've asked people before to use three terms to describe me, and invariably the terms they list are 1) locked 2) cocked and 3) ready to rock. Thank you, boy scouts, for helping me to always be prepared.

Now, chances are most of you will never catch on fire. I wanted to give you specific numbers on those chances, so I googled “the likelihood of someone catching on fire today”. Amongst the results, I got back a tutorial on how to catch fire flies and a movie review for the film "Catch a Fire". Neither were helpful at the time, though I did bookmark that fire fly catching tutorial for when Baby Awesome gets older (yet another example of me being prepared). Anyway, there doesn't appear to be any readily available statistics that list your chances of catching fire today, which makes you wonder what the heck statisticians are doing with their time? But we do know it is within the realm of possibility. So any responsible person who wants to be prepared needs to know what to do when they find themselves engulfed in flames. Here is a list of dos and don'ts for how you should respond on the statistically-unknown-yet-still-possible chance you catch fire today. Note that these are not tips to prevent fires; there is plenty of information out there readily available on that topic. These are tips on what to do if you find yourself actually on fire:

-DO NOT look in a mirror. I am pretty sure this will only heighten the level of hysteria in the given moment.
-DO NOT investigate the source of the flames immediately. You are on fire, first things first. You can always track down the culprit and set him on fire later.
-DO NOT practice super hero ninja moves. As cool as that will look, again, you need to remember that you are on fire.
-DO NOT simply stop, drop, and roll without identifying your surroundings first. For example, if you happen to be near a patch of poison ivy or in a storage shed filled with fireworks, chances are it will only make the bad situation worse. Try finding a creek or a shallow pond.
-DO NOT admire the flames. Yes, they can be mesmerizing, possibly even romantic, but save the fire gazing for when the flames are located in a fireplace, not your khakis.
-DO NOT expect Smokey the Bear to come to your rescue. Even if you are in a forest. He is a fictitious character, thus this scenario is highly unlikely. Expecting help from any animal creature, fictitious or otherwise, is probably unrealistic. Unless you were prepared and trained your dog to fetch buckets of water, like I have done.
-DO NOT be so snooty that you’re against using a lawn sprinkler as opposed to the specifically designed ceiling sprinklers. In the event of you being in flames, both will be effective reaching the end goal you are seeking. Plus, as a general rule being snooty is never good. That may be why you are on fire. You might need to examine yourself in the mirror. Unless you are on fire.
-DO maneuver your way under a smoke detector, so as to alert others to your predicament.
-DO tell whatever people that show up that they should stay away. Hugs are important, but not when you are on fire. The only worse thing than one person on fire is two people on fire.
-DO grab a bag of microwave popcorn, if you have one handy. Once you have been extinguished, you'll probably be hungry, and you'll have a delicious bag of popcorn ready to be eaten.
-DO try and get someone to take your picture for your Facebook profile. Everything happens for a reason, and it's possible the reason for this is because God wanted you to have a hilarious profile pic.
-DO take your pants off if that is the location of the flames. The Golden Rule of Steves is not in play when your goods are on fire.
-DO check the liquid you are about to use to douse the flames. Water is good, gasoline would obviously be bad. Liquid Nitrogen might be tempting, but probably a bit of overkill, unless you have the ability to reform your body after it has been shattered like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.
-DO try some shock evangelism if there are people nearby. "Turn or burn" is much more effective if you are actually turning and burning.

There’s more that could go on this list, but I know that in this situation time is very valuable so we'll cut it off here. I don't want you wasting that time trying to remember an excessive list of tips. Just know if you can avoid the things mentioned above you will prevent the situation from getting worse. I would suggest coming up with sort of mnemonic device or something, like SohCahToa is supposed to help you remember geometry. Or was it SahCohToa? Crap if I know. Anyway, I hope this helps, Marc, should you wake up one morning and find yourself flaming.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome,

I have heard from multiple sources the recent economic meltdown called a "mancession" as male unemployment rates have risen far more than female unemployment rates. Is this an appropriate term for what is happening? I don't like it, but I guess I can see where it comes from.

Thankfully still employed,
Matt

Matt,

No, I don't think this is an appropriate term. For one, it's really a stretch to put the word "man" into "recession." It's pretty easy to do it with words like man sandals (mandals), man nannies (mannies), man answers (manswers), and places where you prop your feet (ottomans). But you can't just put man on the front of any word you want to. That's mandiculous...see, great example, man ridiculous doesn't work. Another reason that I don't like this term is that men are not responsible for the recession. You've heard a lot of people getting blamed for what is going on...all the way from your average American living beyond his means to self-serving politicians and Wall Street bozos. But I'm willing to bet any amount of money you want that Carl Weathers had nothing to do with the recession. Therefore, not a mancession. The final reason I don't like this term is because I challenge the premise you mentioned. The only reason that male unemployment rates are higher than female is because more men had jobs to begin with. This is because of the bias against females inherent in the system. If the world would just quit being so sexist and act a little more egalitarian, businesses could fire more women too. So overall, mancession is just not a helpful term. I don't even like "recession," since in order to have a RE-cession you have to have cessed in the first place, and who likes cess pools? Nobody. That's why I prefer the term "economic sucktacularfest," as I think that best describes what is going on.

Dr Awesome

Our even less than quasi-weekly Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 8 begins now.

Last week's winners:

mjbagel: Another wedgie? Are you kidding me?

brodave: FFFRRRREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!

jackandmandy: I hope Bin Laden DOES choke Kanye out with his beard.

Now, let's see who is man enough to come up with something for this one:

I'm taking a break from the usual manswer format today to share with you a screenplay for a movie I just wrote. I don't know how many of you have been watching, but this week PBS has been running a pretty good documentary on the history of the US National Parks. I really do love exploring the national parks; I've been to several of them, and want to visit them all. While I was watching this show, I was wondering to myself what would make it better. And a thought occurred to me...what if I combined my love of the national parks with my love of badical action movies? So ladies and gentlemen, today I give you the product of that wondering: Yellowstone Dawn. If you have any suggestions as to which actors should play which parts, I'd be more than happy to hear them. Also any songs for the soundtrack you have in mind, along with where in the movie they should go. Without further ado, Yellowstone Dawn.



Scene 1: Yosemite National Park. A couple of dudes are having a nice day climbing El Capitan.

Dude 1: Sure is a nice day for a climb.
Dude 2: Yep. Hey, that looks like a missile headed straight for us.
Dude 1: Oh no!

Missile blows up the side of El Capitan and the dudes perish. In the valley below, a terrorist who is definitely not from the Middle East so as to avoid stereotypes looks on with a grim smile.

Terry (that is his name): Phase 1 of my plan is complete. Terrorist sidekick with a thick yet unidentifiable accent who is the brawn behind this outfit, get me the President on the phone.
Brawny terrorist: Aye sir.
Hot lady who has misgivings about the terrorist plan but is attracted to Terry's charisma: Ooh, let's make out.
Terry: Sounds good.

(They make out, but we cut away quickly because this movie is PG)

Scene 2: Oval Office. President Wong, played by an Asian lady for the purposes of diversity, walks in and sees the red phone on her desk ringing.

President Wong: Herro?
Terry: Sup President. I'm sure you've heard by now that I shot a missile in Yosemite. If you don't give me ten billion dollars, as well as total control of Louisiana (their gumbo is delicious), I'm going to blow up Yellowstone.
President: Ten Birrion! Rouisiana! Yerrowstone! You are crazy.
Terry: Why are you pronouncing all of your Ls like Rs?
President: I am an Asian lady for the purposes of diversity, and I am playing into the stereotype.
Terry: That makes sense. Get me my money and my gumbo or Yellowstone is ancient history.
President: I see you have an appreciation for irony, since Yerrowstone features many ancient seismic formations.
Terry: You have one hour.
President: Ok, bye.
(hangs up, then turns to VP American Indian)
President: Get me someone from the National Parks Service.
VP Tenderfoot: Yes ma'am.

Scene 3: A busted up double wide trailer somewhere way out in the middle of Yellowstone. A caucasian Park Ranger named John Ranger is asleep on his couch covered in empty bottles of bourbon. The door busts open, and in walks a token hilarious black sidekick named Jamal.

Jamal: Wake up John! Fo' shizzle!
John: Leave me alone. I prefer to be drunk, because at some point before this movie started, my wife left me and took my dog. The only way I would get up is if my country needed me in some way. This is foreshadowing.
Jamal: You crazy, white boy, you crazy!
(Phone rings, John answers)
VP Tenderfoot: Hello, this is the Vice President. Stand by to talk to President Wong.
John: Ok.
President Wong: Herro John. Terry the Terrorist is about to blow up Yerrowstone National Park. You must stop him.
John: But President, I'm in Yellowstone. I've never even heard of Yerrowstone.
President: Please do not make fun of my R and L situation. It is a sensitive topic.
John: Sorry. How much time do I have to stop this guy?
President: 57 minutes.
John: Ok, gotta go, talk to you later.
President: You are Yerrowstone's onry hope. Good ruck.
John: I seriously have no idea what you just said.
(hangs up, then turns to Jamal)
John: I am totally sober now, and we've got 57 minutes to stop Terry the Terrorist from blowing this whole place up.
Jamal: Oh snap! Let's roll!
(John and Jamal take off on their horses)

Scene 4: Terry, Brawny Terrorist, and Hot Lady are by Ol' Faithful setting up their explosives.

Brawny: How do you plan on blowing up this whole place?
Terry: If I drop my explosives into a very active seismic area, the resulting earthquakes and volcanoes and such will destroy everything. Look, why don't you worry about taking out any pesky park rangers who show up, and leave the planning to me.
Brawny: You got it boss.
Terry: I should take the time to explain to no one in particular why I'm doing this. I had a bad experience on a youth group retreat one time, which leads me both to an abiding hatred of national parks, and an abiding love of bayou gumbo. This is character development.
Hot lady: I have reservations about this plan, because while you two were talking I walked over and made friends with a lovable moose. I don't want to hurt him.
Terry (slaps her): If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
Hot lady: My current expression shows that I don't like you anymore, and that I will most likely wind up helping any park rangers who show up.
(John and Jamal come riding up)
John: Stop, you terrorist! I am John Ranger, here to foil your nefarious plans!
Terry: Wait, you're a park ranger named John Ranger?
John: Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm named John because all action heroes are named John, and the Ranger thing was just lucky I guess.
Terry: Well I don't think John Ranger is a very catchy name.
John: Oh yeah? Well your mom is not very catchy!
Terry: That doesn't make sense.
(John punches Terry, but doesn't see Brawny sneaking up behind him and Jamal. He cracks them both over the head, and they get knocked out. Brawny puts them in a cage suspended over Old Faithful. They wake up, and see Terry putting the finishing touches on his missile)
John: You'll never get away with this!
Terry: Oh but I will. I am leaving now. I could have killed you earlier, but instead I put you in a cage that you can only escape from if someone helps you. Good luck with that.
(Terry, Brawny, and Hot Lady leave).
John: Well darn, we are in a real pickle.
Jamal: Sho' nuff! I was hoping to get a crack at that Brawny guy, so that I could deliver a token one liner.
John: Yep. If only someone would help us get out of this cage.
Jamal: Who even knows we're here who would be sympathetic enough to help us get out of this precarious situation?

Scene 5: Terry and co. are headed out of the park to get away from the explosion

Hot Lady: I sure do miss my new moose friend. And John was very attractive.
Terry: Well, whatever you do, don't run away while Brawny and I are not looking.
(Hot Lady's moose friend and some of his buddies moose-rush the vehicle the terrorists are in, distracting Brawny and Terry. Hot Lady runs away)
Hot Lady, to the mooses: Thanks guys!
Terry: We didn't need her anyway. I hope I don't regret telling her where our secret hideout is.

Scene 6: Back at Old Faithful, Hot Lady comes riding up on the back of her moose friend.

Hot Lady: I am here to rescue you. The timer on the missile shows only 60 seconds, so this is going to be very dramatic and exciting.
John: Tell you what. If you let me down, I'll disarm the missile, you and I will make out for a bit, and then Jamal and I will go chase Terry.
Hot Lady: Sounds good. I know where they are heading, and after we make out I'll tell you.
(All of that happens)

Scene 7: Terrorist hideout.

Brawny: Shouldn't our missile have gone off by now?
Terry: Yes. I hope nothing went wrong.
John shows up: Something did go wrong. Your girlfriend, who is now my girlfriend, helped us escape. I disarmed your explosives, made out with her, and now I'm here to fight you to the death.
Terry: It would be very interesting if, before we fought, a chase scene ensued where you end up squaring off with me and Jamal ends up squaring off with Brawny.
John: Agreed.
(That happens. First, we see Jamal catch up with Brawny)
Brawny: You cannot beat me, as I am strong and foreign.
Jamal: Insert hilarious joke here.
(Jamal takes a beating, but ultimately kills Brawny)
Jamal: Insert a second, even more hilarious joke here.
(Back to John and Terry)
John: Give it up, Terry, you are through
Terry: No way, Ranger. You'll have to kill me!
John: Ok
(John kills Terry)
John: One liner.

Scene 8: John, Jamal, Hot Lady, and the moose are in the Oval Office with the President

President: John, the entire nation owes you a debt of gratitude.
John: Just doing my job. All I want to do now is settle down with Hot Lady and our new moose friend and live a peaceful life.
(phone rings)
President: Herro?
Jerry, Terry's brother: This is Jerry, Terry's brother. I am at the Grand Canyon with an even more evil plot than my brother had. If you want to stop me, it will at the very least take an entire sequel.
President: Oh no!
John: Jamal, there's more work to do.
Jamal: Man whitey, you keep me all twisted up in the game!
(everyone laughs, including Jerry, who apparently is still on the phone)
Jerry: Try and stop me!
John: See you in a bit.

Roll credits, including "COMING SOON: YELLOWSTONE DAWN 2: CANYON DESTINY"

Dr. Awesome:

What is the manliest animal? I am not asking out of idle curiosity, but for purposes of badicalness. If a man ever needed to a) prove his love to a woman by presenting her with a trophy or b) regain man-points by either slaying the creature after an epic battle of brain and brawn or forcing it into frightened servitude via superior willpower, what would be the best animal? It's tempting to answer "bear" immediately, but I immediately second-guessed myself. Why? Because, for one, the male bull shark has the highest concentration of testosterone in its blood out of the entire animal kingdom. So I thought I would appeal to you, with your numerous PhDs and extensive knowledge on all things manly, to put this question to rest.

Hunter

Hunter,

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out how appropriate it is for someone named "Hunter" to ask this question. Well, played, Hunter's parents, for naming him something that would leave him no choice but to be testosteriffic when he grows up. Now on to your question, first let me advise you that women, in general, respond better to flowers and candy rather than trophies and certificates. I know this from personal experience. I thought the flowers and candy thing was way over done, so one year I decided to give Mrs. Awesome a "Wife of the Year" certificate that I created in Microsoft Word. Despite it being straight from the heart and printed on the finest laser printer paper, she was less than pleased. In retrospect, I should have at least had it framed. But you didn’t come to learn about why I spent 2005 sleeping on the couch, so let’s get to the focus on the manliest animal.

It’s quite the daunting task to place a label on the manliest animal. That’s like putting Chuck Norris, Mr. T, William Wallace, Jack Bauer, the Ultimate Warrior, and a host of others in a King of the Ring match. There is no way you could tell me with absolute certainty who would be wearing the crown at the end. However, we do know who is better at fighting British oppression or pitying fools or growing beards while selling the Total Gym. We can look at various categories and tell who is more likely to dominate in that particular area. So in a similar manner, I'll look at the two categories you mentioned, and then tell you what animal works best for each.

We’ll start with one you mentioned, woman wooing. From my experience, women are not fans of purposeless killings of animals. Subduing a male bull shark is quite a feat, but unless like me you have a freezer room at your house dedicated to the preservation of hanging meat, your fridge would never hold all those fish sticks. There would be significant waste, which might prove your love of inefficiency rather than your love for her. To capture a woman’s heart, you need to take down an animal that is multifunctional. That is why a cow is your best choice. After slaying a cow, you can cook her dinner, fashion her a matching belt and purse, even a bible cover. And if you plan things well and give the gift during a blizzard, the two of you can crawl inside the carcass and stay warm. Women love to snuggle. Sure, it's not that difficult to stalk and take down a cow...I do it every morning because I like beef and unpasteurized milk for breakfast. But as far as versatility, cows are pretty high up there. Nothing says "I love you" like steak, leather, and snuggling in a carcass.

Our next category takes into account your second point, most impressive animals to defeat in an epic battle. A major determinant here is where the clash goes down. Do you get home field advantage or does the animal? My manswer varies depending on that factor, because everybody knows a win on the road in front of a hostile crowd is more impressive than a win at home. For the sake of length, we’ll look at the altercation going down in the animal’s domain. The manliest creature for you to battle with on his own turf is probably a walrus. First of all, you would be subjected to subfreezing temperatures. I don’t know how much you weigh, but the walrus has hundreds of pounds of blubber to help keep warm. Advantage walrus. Secondly, due to the blubber, do you know how many body shots you have to land for them to ever be effective? Advantage walrus. Also, the walrus is at home on both land and in the water, which I think is called being ambidextrous. So he will try and get you into the icy waters, because he has flippers to go along with his tusks and can kill you in either way. Again, advantage walrus. Another point to consider, have you ever seen a walrus up close? They have mustaches. Not only are they manly, they must be wise. Furthermore, the walrus has two katana blades in his mouth, so he’s kind of like Storm Shadow, which means he is probably also skilled in ninjutsu. Granted I have never seen a walrus performing any type martial arts, but that is all the more reason to believe they can. That lays to rest any question about a walrus' mobility. Finally, as an animal, a walrus has all sorts of friends in the animal kingdom he can call on for backup. All animals hate humans, because we are so uppity, what with our literature and opposable thumbs and the fact that we are responsible for broadway musicals. So in this high stakes game, I'm thinking the wise-ninja walrus, with his size, cold-weather powers, and social connection to the rest of the animal world, is king.

So just off the top of my head, the two animals I think you'd want to go after are a cow and a walrus. Maybe one day scientists will find a way to successfully mate a walrus and a cow, creating some sort of super-animal that is both delicious and deadly. God help us if that ever happens. Anyway, best of luck to you, Hunter, as you try to bag these crafty creatures.

Dr Awesome

Dr Awesome.

About 3 weeks ago, my wife left me and my son. Given the circumstances, (I've been replaced by a "boy", read: not a man, who I made the mistake of having as a friend) she isn't coming back.
I'm dealing with a divorce really well. I'm exercising a lot more, reading more books, wrestling all comers, etc.... The only thing I've not been doing is having much luck with women.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but being able to care for and live with a woman is, in my opinion, a large part of being a man.
Has 6 years of being married made me lose my edge on how to impress other women? Or is it just too soon, and I'm emotionally sabotaging myself?

Nick

Nick,

Sorry to go both serious and rapid-fire on you for this one, but I really think the manliest possible thing you could do in this situation is put every ounce of energy you have into getting her back. I realize reconciliation is not possible in every situation, but marriage is such an important thing that I wouldn't advise moving on until you've exhausted every possibility of fixing things. If it has really only been three weeks since she left you, I'm not sure that's really enough time to a) have done everything you could to reconcile or b) come to a point where you are ready to put six years of marriage behind you and start dating again. I'm sorry if you were expecting something humorous or sarcastic, but it makes me profoundly sad when I hear about marriages breaking up, and it's just not something I can joke about. I'll be praying that you and your wife can somehow patch things up, that she asks for forgiveness, that you grant it, and that y'all are able to move on stronger than before.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome,

While working at my job in the warehouse of moving heavy objects, my co worker got a call from his wife. He did a little sweet talking to her and it felt a little weird after a while and slightly unmanly. So it got me thinking surely there must be some balance of letting someone you care for them and still be manly. Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.

Matt

Matt,

Before I get to the manswer, I'm curious about your job. You mentioned that you work in a "warehouse of moving heavy objects." Now does that mean your job as a warehouse worker is to move heavy objects? Or are you employed at a warehouse where many heavy objects are in constant motion? I'd say the second is a more manly job, as dodging heavy objects would prepare you quite well to dominate American Gladiators-style competitions. I have an obstacle course in my back yard that includes many automotive engines suspended from chains, which I get my neighbors to hurl at me while I'm cutting the grass. I find that's a good way to get some cardio in, plus it helps me practice my jump kicks. Anyway, your warehouse job seems pretty cool, so I salute you sir.

Now, on to your coworker. Sweet talking is another one of those subjects that can be manly or unmanly, depending on a couple of variables. Much like talking to your children, the tone of your voice is much less important than the content of your words. Calling your spouse and professing your love to her in a sing songy voice is ok, provided you are reading her an epic narrative of how many men you've slain to attain her love. Conversely, calling your spouse and, in your deepest manly radio voice, telling her that she is your lovey wovey dovey schnookums wookums is abject pansitude. Remember that the key here is the message, not the method. So I'm reserving judgment on your coworker until I know what the content of his message is. Only if the content is pansified will I recommend hitting him with a moving heavy object.

Another aspect of your question, though, is more interesting. How do you express affection for another person when there are other people around? After all, this issue with your coworker has only come up because he is engaging in this behavior around other people. For the most part, public displays of affection should be avoided, just like that urge you get at every wedding reception to do the running man. Sure it may seem like its all good fun, but in reality everyone else is pointing and laughing at you. PDA, like impersonations of MC Hammer, are best for the privacy of your home.

So, when is PDA ok? Seldom, but there are occasions when you are in a public place and you need to show your significant other you care. When these moments arise, try to keep them short and classy, much like Emmanuel Lewis. A few suggestions might be throwing your arm over her shoulders, putting your hand on her lower back, or giving her a freshly skinned racoon hide. The last one could also be considered quite chivalrous if happens to be cold outside, so double points for that. We all know these moments can not always be avoided, so how do we approach them? I think everyone involved has a certain responsibility. This includes you, your spouse, and the public at large. Let's take a closer look at who is responsible for what.

MAN - You are the iniator of the affection. Trust me, I know what it's like to have women throwing themselves at you...I call it the Curse of the Biceps. But really, men should be the one taking the lead on this stuff. That way, you can be sure you are keeping it short and discrete. You want to communicate what needs communicating, and then move along. Display your affection publicly, but don't be gratuitous.

WOMAN - You are the receiver of the affection, so it's your responsibility to partner with the man in not letting things get out of hand. Yes, you're going crazy for his biceps, but you need to keep yourself under control. Remember you're in public. Accept his affection with the appropriate level of warmth, and then be about your business.

PUBLIC - You are the third member of this social contract. The man and the woman are being affectionate, and you have two roles here. Role one is to not watch them too closely. This isn't a show being put on for your benefit, so even though they are in public, give them a little privacy. But the flip side of this is that it is also your role to make sure things don't go too far. If the man and woman go from tasteful, Emmanuel Lewis-like affection to full fledge making out or worse, it's your responsibility as the public to throw a huge bucket of cold water on them. This might make them mad, but they didn't hold up their end of the bargain, so they have no leg to stand on.


As I mentioned, PDA is something that should be avoided. But in those rare instances when you do need to display some affection in public, such as when you need to let all potential suitors know that your lady is spoken for, then try and abide by these guidelines I've listed here. It will help you avoid your coworkers trying to anonymously belittle you via internet advice columns.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome,

I come to you in great need. An old friend of mine is in dire need of a dudefrontation. He is one of my oldest friends, but in the past two years has become no one wants to casually chat with, let alone hang out with. The man barely showers, and couples with the fact that he is a big guy who sweats a lot results in him smelling like an unwashed toilet at all times. He also smokes like a chimney but refuses to acknowledge the fact that it bothers everyone.

He must have developed some sort an allergy to cleaning, as both his car and his room are horrifically dirty. I understand that some messiness is a part of every man's life. But this moves far beyond general messiness to a level I can only describe as "don't walk in there without closed toe shoes."

On top of all that my friend has forgotten all social rules. He frequently invites himself to places he is not wanted (due to everything above), makes inappropriate jokes at even less appropriate times, has no idea of how far is too far and in general is a jerk to everyone he comes into contact with.

The worst part of all is his horrible sensitivity, many other one on one dudefrontations have failed as he quickly tries to justify his rude behavior, or gets overly sensitive and defensive about any thing brought up, refusing to see his behavior as unacceptable, but rather deciding that the other person is being mean and is simply trying to tear him down.

This has been going on for some time now, and in the immortal words of Twisted Sister "We're not gonna take it anymore!" We need you help Dr. Awesome. You re our last hope

-Sam Vimes

Sam,

The questions keep getting longer while the manswers keep getting shorter. I promise I'll be back for some full length manswers soon, but in the meantime, let me address this question. This person you are describing sounds like that character from Austin Powers who was morbidly obese and whose parents were likely not married at the time of conception. So my first word of advice is to keep small children at a safe distance, just in case he politely invites them to get in his belly. You also mentioned that this began happening to your friend in the past two years, so that makes me wonder if something happened within that time period that triggered this unpleasant chain of events. Maybe he bought Windows Vista, maybe he didn’t like the addition of Kara DioGuardi to American Idol judges panel, maybe he was particularly upset when Pluto got stripped of its status as a planet, maybe he's a huge fan of the Big 10 and has gotten tired of his favorite football teams getting destroyed by teams from better conferences. Whatever it is, you have to figure it out and help him resolve his latent issues. The temptation is there to abandon your friend, and I certainly understand that, as he appears to be something of a rube. But still, Pluto is not coming back as a planet, so your friend needs your help now more than ever. If you can help him deal with some of his junk, perhaps your friendship can be restored to the original heights of its badicalness and his cleanliness. Or, just install one those office type fire hoses that unravel from the wall and follow him around blasting him every time he comes over. One of two things will happen: 1) he finally gets a shower 2) he stops coming over. Either way, you kind of win. You're welcome.

Dr. Awesome