Feed: The Gifts of Sobriety - AggScore: 51.3

Last night I finally got back into the chicken recipes I had been making. Unfortunately Reggie had taken the camera to work and left it in the car, so I was not able to take a picture for my post. Nevertheless, I made the "Honey Mustard" recipe. I preheated the oven to 350, and mixed together 2 Tbsp Dijon mustard, 2 Tbsp honey, and 1 tsp olive oil (per chicken breast). I baked them for 25 minutes, and served them with some stuffing mix, Brussels sprouts and a nice green salad.

We both enjoyed the dinner. The sauce for the chicken was very sweet and delicious, but it had some fat, so Reggie scraped it off. I, on the other hand, mixed some of it in with the salad and the stuffing. It was a very good recipe, especially for someone with a sweet tooth!

Today is the fiancee's sobriety birthday. He is seven years clean and sober today. I am very proud of him, and I love him very much. He is an inspiration to me, and I am very lucky to have him in my life. One of these days, I shall get there too...

I think I have already mentioned that I am now on Facebook, and I am incredibly addicted. It seems healthier than alcohol, but it is very time consuming. Today I was on Facebook taking yet another silly personality quiz when one question and answer really stuck with me.

The question was along the lines of "Which song lyric best describes the way you view love?" When I read the answer "I keep going back to the one thing that I need to walk away from," I knew that was my answer. I have no idea what song that lyric is from, nor do I care. The lyric describes me perfectly. It is me. Whether it's a bad relationship or a bottle of vodka, I am drawn to that one damn thing that I need to just leave behind. I keep returning to it like a criminal to the scene of a crime. Even though I know it is deadly and destructive, I keep going back. A couple of the treatment programs that I have been to had assignments where we were supposed to write a "Dear John" letter to our drug of choice, and now I actually see the similarity.

We all know the definition of insanity in AA: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's one AA slogan I don't really agree with. I don't think that's me. I feel that if I do the same thing over and over, I know what the result will be, I know that it's not going to be any different, and I just don't care. I sometimes get stuck in a place in my sobriety where I'm not quite sure if things are really getting any better.

Working retail has its ups and downs. I work at the Customer Service desk, which means that a lot of the customers that come to me are not happy people. They are there because they bought something that broke or didn't work to begin with, they have to pay a bill or send money to someone, they were overcharged for something, they have a complaint about another associate at our store, or they left something at our store the last time they were in. The only happy customers I get to see are the ones cashing their paychecks, and only then when they are not also paying bills with that cash.

Patience is a necessity in my job. Some people come in and do their business, and they are done. Others want to fight and argue and talk to every manager in the store until they are done. Unfortunately, I have to hold my tongue most of the time, and I have to let the customer vent. Some customers can get downright abusive. They are not always happy when they leave, and it is not my job to make them happy all the time. My job is to resolve the issues that I can, while following our store policies. Our store policies are in place for a reason.

People get angry, and sometimes they make it real personal. I need to practice patience on a daily basis at work and not take things so personally. I know the customers are not angry with me. They are frustrated at the situation, and I am the person in front of them to take it out on. It's not me. It's not personal. They would be angry at anyone in front of them. I just need to let it go a little more often.

One of the things I was always very proud of was my credit. I had excellent credit. My dad co-signed for me on my car, but I paid the entire thing off by myself. I had a $10,000+ student loan that I was paying off every month. I now owe less than half the balance and have never missed a payment. I had five major credit cards, which I was paying on time. If I didn't just pay the minimum, I was paying off extra. Up until the last several months, this was the norm.


I'm not entirely sure what happened, but the debt just overwhelmed me. I lost my "dream job" as a Case Manager at a law firm, and had to rely solely on my wages as a cashier. I was doing it before I had the other job, but somehow I wasn't able to get things back together. Maybe it was living with Reggie, maybe my cost of living had just increased. Suddenly, I wasn't able to pay my bills on time, and I found that my credit card payments per month were adding up to more than my rent. It was ridiculous. I had to sacrifice one or the other. Not wanting to be homeless, I sacrificed my credit card payments. And I fell behind. Way behind.

The credit card companies started calling me nonstop, up to twelve times a day for one creditor. I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided to file bankruptcy. Today I went in to sign my final paperwork, and my attorney is going to file tomorrow. It is such a relief! A fresh start is on the horizon!


The decision to file bankruptcy has helped me in a few ways. I watch where my money is going. I pay attention to the cost of things at the store, and I keep track of how much I am spending along the way (great tip from mom!). I don't buy things I don't absolutely need. I make sure all the other bills are paid on time.


I have learned to let it go. I was so wrapped up in my good credit that I didn't realize I was borrowing on one card to pay the other. It was silly. It consumed me. I let that part of me go, and I am looking forward to the fresh start that is one the horizon.

I was scheduled off today, Saturday, which is rare in the retail business. I was all set to enjoy it with Reggie. There is an AA convention going on in Anaheim this weekend. When we woke up this morning, both of us were feeling sick. Not just a let's-get-up-and-take-a-shower-and-we'll-feel-better kind of sick. We both slept until about noon, having aches and pains and major headaches. I guess we both got hit by that little flu virus that is going around. No fun!

We stayed home for most of the day. Actually, I stayed home all day, but Reggie went to a meeting in the evening. I was just grateful that I was already scheduled off, and that I did not have to call in sick. Tomorrow is another day. I am scheduled at 9 am, and I am hoping that a good night's sleep will be just the cure that I need.

Relapse, it's an ugly word in recovery. Many fear it, many succumb to it over and over again, many never have to experience it. Although it is not a necessary part of recovery, it is a part of recovery. If you or a loved one has had to experience a relapse, there are some important things to remember in dealing with it's consequences.

1. Don't beat yourself up. You already did that during the relapse. You need to keep in mind that relapse is a part of the recovery process that many people have to go through. Relapse does not mean that you lose any information that you have acquired during recovery. The only thing you really need to change is your sobriety date.
2. Try to understand the events that led up to the relapse. Often the alcoholic will not know right away what was the deciding factor that pushed them over the edge, but given some time to reflect upon their situation, they will be able to look back with clearer eyes and see the situation for what it was at the time. Talk about it, write about it, try to understand what was going on so that you will be better able to handle it in the future.
3. Learn from the relapse. Was it work? Relationships? Old behaviors? Once you understand what may have led up to the relapse you can begin to correct those situations in your life. Sometimes there are situations that cannot be fixed right away. In those instances, do what you can for now, and set goals for correcting those issues in the future. For example, you may not be able to quit a job right away, but you can prepare for a job search to find a new job.

It is not easy for anyone after a relapse has occurred. You just need to remember, relapse is a part of the recovery process. As long as you learn from it, relapse is not necessarily a bad thing. Relapse can mean growth, and it can strengthen some relationships you formed in recovery if the love and support is there.

Letting go is difficult for an alcoholic like me. It doesn't come naturally at all. Usually I hang on to something, let it fester inside me, and drink until I numb it away. I can't really do that anymore. I have found in recovery that a few things do help, and I'd like to share them with you.

First, pray for your Higher Power to remove it from you. Nothing is gained from holding on to something hurtful.

Second, and along those lines, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in your God Box. I know it sounds silly, but create a box that you can fill with things that you "give up" to your Higher Power. It is a symbolic act of giving up the power of something to your Higher Power, but you will be amazed how this works. You will feel the power of it leave you after a while. Lots of recovery-related gift shops and websites sell God Boxes, or you can use and old shoe box or something and decorate it any way you want. It's really personal.

Third, share it with someone else. Sometimes we just need to vent. Whether we need validation that we were not in the wrong, or whether we need another set of ears to listen to the situation, it helps to have another person give their input.

Fourth, and yes, you other alcoholics knew this was coming, write about it. It always helps to write things out. Just write freely, do not stop, do not worry about grammar, spelling, sentence structure, anything. Just let it go. Get it out. You will feel much better afterwards.

Fifth, get out of yourself and help another alcoholic. You can't obsess on what's bothering you if you are busy helping others!

There is hardly anything more damaging to an alcoholic than holding in something hurtful. Alcoholics tend to dwell on things if we do not have a good outlet for them. These are some simple ways to help relieve some of that frustration.

I feel so terrible! I am finally on Facebook. I am horribly, terribly addicted. It has been two days and I can hardly tear myself away. There are all of these games and quizzes and little communities...

But I got a great quote from taking a quiz called "What's the Quote of Your Life?" My quote: If you judge people, you have not time to love them.
- Mother Theresa

One of the reasons it is so hard for me to go to meetings is that some of the people there are so judgmental. If I don't do the program their way, I'm doing it wrong. If I relapse, I'm a failure. Dating Reggie is the worst thing I could have ever done as a newcomer. And on and on and on...

Don't judge me, love me. That's what newcomers are there for. We need to be loved and accepted. We are already beating ourselves up. We already judge ourselves much more harshly than anyone else ever could. I have started to try to stop judging others so much, especially at work. It is difficult, because I know that it is human nature to make judgements based on appearances. But it really is better for everyone if we just try to understand each other, to love each other, and to work harmoniously with one another. What's that old phrase, "Judge not lest ye be judged?"

I was off today, but I did not cook tonight. I did cook on Wednesday, but haven't added the recipe yet. It was the Ranch Dipped "Get Baked" recipe. Again, just bake for 20-25 minutes in a 350 degree preheated oven. The add ins were: 2 Tbsp ranch dressing and 2 Tbsp water. It was pretty good, but not really a keeper.

I made mashed potatoes with some chicken broth seasoning added in. The broth granules added some excellent flavor! I also had a side salad mixed together, with a spritz of salad dressing. I love those little spritzers, they give just the right amount of dressing.

That night Reggie did not come home for dinner, so I ate mine alone. Instead, he went out and looked for a car. I'll admit, we needed another car. But he didn't come home until around 8 or 9. When I told him I had made dinner, he said he had already eaten with his friend that had gone with him. I was very upset, and we fought a lot over it. He knew that I was cooking, and still he went out to dinner. I was very hurt by that.

The next night, he bought the car. It's pretty nice, and hopefully it lasts for a while. He went ahead and added it to my insurance policy, so now I have another $140 to pay for his insurance. It is due in three days.

I receive an email each day with my horoscope. Today's was interesting:


Oct 23 - Nov 21
It's important that you be where you say you'll be -- and on time, ready to go. Don't make anyone else wait -- for any reason.

It's interesting because that is one important rule in recovery. If you tell another person you will be at a meeting, you go to that meeting. If there is some unforeseen reason that you cannot make it, you call them and let them know. There is a very important reason for this simple rule: as alcoholics, we are not known to be men and women of our word. One of the things a lot of us need to work on in recovery is honesty. It is a living amends to those we have lied to. I'll admit, sometimes it is hard to be honest. Other times, it is absolutely the only way go.


Lately, I have run into a lot of difficulty in trusting Reggie's honesty. Sometimes he will lie to me or my family for no reason whatsoever, over something that is really petty, and it brings his honesty into question for me. I am not satisfied being in a relationship where I feel that the honesty is missing. I am really concerned with his dishonesty to the point that I question a lot of what he says. If he will lie to me over something so dumb as what he had for lunch (when I find the fast food receipt in the car), who knows what else he may be lying about? Is he really stuck in traffic, is he really at that meeting, did he really pay that bill, did he really take care of that chore? It just puts his whole character into question for me, and I am concerned. I am very concerned. I'm just not sure how much further this relationship can go without this fundamental aspect.

Feeling restless, irritable, discontent? Sometimes you need an AA meeting and just can't get to one. Maybe it is the middle of the night, maybe you have to work overtime, maybe you're exhausted or sick. Sometimes you still have that restless, irritable, discontent feeling inside that is causing you agony. What can you do?

1. Say a Prayer. The Serenity Prayer is always helpful, but any sincere prayer spoken to your Higher Power will help. I like to just say what is on my mind. My Higher Power understand my needs and knows my thoughts, no matter how articulate (or not) I am. If nothing else, I like to thank my Higher Power for keeping me sober another day, show some gratitude.
2. Talk to Another Person in Recovery. Whether it is a phone call or stopping by another person's house, talking to another alcoholic is crucial when you are feeling uneasy. Many of us have been through similar situations and can offer invaluable insight into a particular situation. Hearing another alcoholic's story can be therapeutic and insightful, and they may be able to offer suggestions for you.
3. Write. Like any good sponsor will tell you, get out your journal and get to writing! Get whatever is bothering you out. Nothing harms an alcoholic like keeping in resentments, fears, insecurities. These are the things that make us very sick.
4. Make a Gratitude List. I know this is not always easy when life is not going well, but if you can start with the goal of five things you are grateful for, you may be able to list ten. The list can include anything from "I'm alive and sober today" to very specific things like some good news you received recently.

Sometimes we can't make it to a meeting, and although the old adage "Meeting Makers Make It" is generally true, you don't need to be stuck in feelings of hopelessness if you can't make it to one. Use these few simple tools, and you will be able to make it to your next meeting-sober!

Tonight I made the Texas Style recipe for dinner. All I had to add was 2 Tbsp barbecue sauce and 2 Tbsp water. I thought it was very flavorful, especially considering the blandness of the rest of the "Get Baked" recipes.

Instead of a carb-heavy side like rice or potatoes, I made a little saute of two different squashes with some onions, balsamic vinegar, and a little lemon pepper, sauteed in butter. I also served some baked beans (which I found cleaning out the fridge), and added some turkey bacon for some additional flavor . Both sides were delicious.

I had the day off, so I also cleaned the house today. I am tired of the way it looks, and the fact that Reggie doesn't mind the way it looks. I had to get down and clean it. It was filthy. Everywhere. Almost nowhere to walk around in here. I was disgusted, tired of looking at it, tired of living in it.

I guess that's how it feels to do a fourth step, the "cleaning house" step. It gets so painful to walk around in yourself that you have to get that junk out. I'm there. I am so ready to take that step. I just don't think Reggie is the appropriate person to do it with.

A dear friend of mine sent me a text message a while back, and I have been saving it in my phone for some time. I read it often, and I thought I would share it with you tonight. She sent the following message to me on March 16th at 9:24 am: "I have found that if you love life, life will love you back." --Arthur Rubinstein.

The message was sent several months ago, at a time when I was struggling with some financial and relationship issues, so I didn't really think too much about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, love life...I thought it was a little silly at the time. But, as I said, I saved it and have gone back to it often. I used to work with this woman a few years back, and we have kept in touch, mostly via texting and, more recently, email.

This young lady was pretty instrumental in helping me through a very rough time a couple of years ago, and some of the things going on right now are sort of forcing me to revisit that time in my head. I think I'm at a point where I may need to work on some issues that I did not deal with fully at the time. I need to remember to love life, to cherish life. Sometimes it seems to be taken too quickly, although I understand it is all in God's time.