Feed: 23/6 - Some of the News, Most of the Time - AggScore: 82.6

Reader(s?), our work here is done. Barack Obama is president and comedy has become less necessary. Sunday, February 1st is our last day on the internet- in this incarnation. On Monday, the starving orphan 23/6 will be adopted by the Huffington Post, where it will be fed nourishing internet ads, three times a day. Dickipedia and The Room will follow, but most of us in news and video will not.

We had a fun 15 months. We discovered that we love abortion almost as much as we love our first-born child. (And let's face it, so do you.) We warned the gays to wrap that shit up, and we felt bad for Ted Haggard's wife. We helped you read a David Brooks column. We saw Hillary get frustrated and we failed as women- but not as much as MoDo, who we tried to understand. We reminded people that Cindy McCain had a past and we swiftboated Democrats. We wondered how Barack Obama could beat a war hero, and we defined rahmmar. We changed Hitler, then we stared at his ball.

We saw potential vice-presidential candidates, both Republicans and Democrats, IM one another obsessively.

Then along came Sarah. Oh, Sarah of Wasilla, with her secessionist Eskimo husband, her dirty-secretary outfits, her ex-brother-in-law, that University of Idaho grammar and of course, her adorable special needs baby, who we offered to rescue. She gave Henry Kissinger (and us!) his first woody since the bombing of Cambodia. Sarah became a grandma at 45 and a porn icon at 44. She made us ask ourselves, are we smarter than a 5th tier veep candidate? Would things have been different for 23/6 if she'd won? Maybe one day, we'll know. Until then, thank you, Sarah Palin.

We saw Joe Biden prepare for his debate, we watched all three of Obama-McCain debates at once. We investigated John McCain's economic policy and we savaged the liberal media. We dug in for end-times, then we went negative. We felt the effects, then we went for a long drive. We tried to imagine ourselves as Minnesotans, and we wondered what the hell the rest of you were thinking. We tried to kill Joe the Plumber.

We had fans. Gawker loved our Keith Olbermann piece (so did Keith!). CNN's Rick Sanchez got us too, but MSNBC's Chris Matthews didn't even look. We got hacked by Monica Crowley and dismissed by Greta Van Sustern. We got our war on, and we got stuck in an elevator. We wondered what the world would be like if Democrats were Republicans, and we looked back fondly upon the reign of Boy George.

Finally, we celebrated America's youth. Because ultimately, we did it all for the children.

Palin '12!

If you chose 9 as the number of days into the Obama administration that we would be seeing a headline like the one below, congratulations, you're the winner!

From CNN:

Daniel Radcliffe Invites Obama Girls to Hogwarts

- People

Everyone's favorite disgraced governor, Rod Blagojevich, has been making the talk show rounds these past few days. After suggesting that he had considered Oprah Winfrey as a replacement for Barack Obama in the Senate, the beleaguered Blago appeared Monday on ABC's "Good Morning America" and "The View," and gave his first live prime-time interview on CNN's "Larry King Live."

Larry? Sure. GMA? Okay, why not. But once you start gossiping with the ladies of "The View," buddy, you are off the deep end in terms of your television bookings. Sharp-eyed viewers might have caught Blago appearing on a few other shows this week. Check your local listings for re-air times.

Ah, bipartisanship... So President Obama heads to capital hill to talk to the GOP:

"The goal is to seek their input. He wants to hear their ideas," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said. "If there are good ideas -- and I think he assumes there will be -- we will look at those ideas."

But even before he gets there, the two GOP leaders, John Boehner and Eric Cantor, have already told House Republicans to vote against the bill.

Looks like Obama's decision to cave into the GOP by taking family planning money for poor bill out of the bill didn't even do much good. Shocker.

Sadly, Obama's response to the GOP after "seeking their input" and "hearing their ideas" is probably going to be to cave even more, and make the stimulus bill even less effective. Whereupon the GOP will vote against it anyway.

Let's see if we've got this straight: because of GOP complaints and Obama's belief that something called "bipartisanship" exists, the Democrats ends up passing a stimulus bill so weak that it has no chance of working, but the GOP still votes against it so they're hands are clean and they can run against the Dem's poor management of the economy in 2010. Welcome to worst case scenario.

What about going back to partisanship in which the party America voted for gets to decide shit?

So we know what Obama's response will be -- he's already caved -- but what should it be? Take the poll....

Citigroup is slowly learning the reason why they can't have nice things. It's that stupid $45 billion government bailout.

After reports surfaced that Citigroup had ordered themselves up a brand new $50 million jet, lawmakers and rational people everywhere started pressuring them to cancel delivery of the Dassault Falcon 7X, arguing that buying a private plane after getting rescued by taxpayer money is too stupid to even bother talking about. Citigroup responded that a $50 million jet could help cut costs, though it failed to be the first on the planet to explain how a $50 million private jet purchase could ever possibly be considered a cost-cutting measure. Citigroup reps then went on to complain about the cancellation penalties they'll incur if they don't go through with the purchase, and when no one gave a crap executives likely just fell on the floor and burst into tears.

In the end, they canceled the jet, and now none of the thousands of Citigroup employees around the world has any idea how they're supposed to get around. Answer them that, stupid congress. Stupid taxpayers. Who's gonna drive Citigroup home tonight?

It's the sentence that rocked the media world today -- and the most significant thing ever to come out of a Bill Kristol column. There it was at the end of his column today: "This is William Kristol's last column."

Really? Just when it was getting really good. How could the Times do this? Does this mean we're going to be denied pearls of wisdom like:

"If [Hillary Clinton] gets a race against John Edwards and Barack Obama, she's going to be the nominee. Gore is the only threat to her, then. ... Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary. I'll predict that right now."

Actually, that was Kristol on Fox News, where no doubt he'll still appear. But how is the Times going to replace Kristol? How can they fill the space and still remain true to the wisdom and integrity that Kristol brought to the Times? Take the poll...

During his media blitz this morning Rod Blagojevich happened to mention to Diane Sawyer that he even considered appointing Oprah Winfrey to the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. Since there is no indication that Oprah ever expressed the slightest interest in the Senate seat, it appears that Blago believed he had the power to draft people into government service, whether they wanted to be a Senator or not. And of course, who is easier to push around than Oprah?

Rod might have been onto something. Had Oprah been forcibly appointed to the Senate, would that have been such a mistake? Think of all the fun that Senator Oprah would have brought to Capitol Hill:

-Senators could have begun every session by looking for stuff stuck to the bottom of their chairs.
- Oprah could have pushed a bill through to make her favorite things the official Favorite Things Of All Citizens of the United States.
- Lots more surprise Senate floor walk-ons from John Travolta
- Writing a fake memoir would be declared a capital felony
- BFF Marriage would be legalized, allowing two women to marry as long as they promise that they're just BFF's and totally not gay for each other.

It's conceivable that without the Internet and the ability of the Obama campaign to harness Web users, Barack Obama might not have even been the Democratic nominee, much less president. Obama's "netroots" organization represented a sea change in the way modern campaigns are run. Now, with Obama in the White House, his administration is trying to recapture that same support and enthusiasm, and turn the netroots into an instrument of government.

A new group, "Organizing for America," will be housed in the Democratic National Committee and focus on using the Internet and social networking channels to mold public opinion. Perhaps the best-known example of this strategy is Obama's habit of posting his weekly video address on YouTube.

How can you get in on this revolution in participatory goverment? We've got an overzealous netroots organizer standing by to answer your questions. Just type your query in the box below and get ready to join the Team Obama of the Future!

Now that President Obama has ordered the closure of Gitmo, the elephant in the room is cuffed, wearing an orange jumpsuit. Where will we put these detainees? Some of them are real terrorists, while others are Canadian. Most US senators are doing the ole NIMHS (not in my home state), while an editor at The Pitch, a Kansas City newspaper, is practically begging for a chance to guard detainees at Fort Leavenworth:

"I, for one, would be proud if Fort Leavenworth took [detainees]. Recalling George W. Bush's famous phrase, I say: Bring 'em on." (h/t Andrew Sullivan)

Interesting. However, let us not forget that Leavenworth is in Kansas. Haven't these terrorists been tortured enough?

TAMPA., FL (Special to Sportsman's Daily) So it's about that time again. Super Bowl XLIII. Look, I don't mind the build-up, the hype, the media asking stupid questions -- "if you were a vegetable what kind of vegetable would you be." (I'd be a fucking ear of corn, moron, how bout you?) It is what it is. But something about the roman numerals just sets my teeth on edge. I mean, I get it--football as gladiator sport. A spectacle. Another perfectly acceptable excuse for men to avoid socializing with women, to revert to towel-snapping locker room half wits, and temporarily wash away all feelings of inadequacy in a shit storm of beer and booze. It's what men do.

But those stupid-ass roman numerals. Reminds me of Albert, my third husband. He was a sociology professor. Complete pompous ass. At first I thought it was a charming cover for the man-child that lurked beneath the tweed and mershaum pipe and the footnotes studding his casual conversation--I mean, the fool would insert footnotes when ordering breakfast. One morning, we're staying at some fancy hotel during a three day conference in Palo Alto. The third day there we go down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast, the waitress comes to our table and asks for our order: "Loc sit," Albert wittily replies, meaning he'll have the same order as the morning before. Of course she misheard and brought him a lox platter, which got a bad day off to a very bad start.

So I know a thing or two about pomposity...and why I find it so damn insulting. It's all fake superiority, like an executive who props an oversize quill and ink set on a desk big enough for F-16s to land on. We get it: you are very very important and very very powerful. Oooh, I'm so impressed. But ultimately it's all about being forced to take the measure of the guy's equipment--and trust me, man inches have little to do with universal standards of measurement. I call it the "men-tric" system--which is the application of out-sized male ego to the measure of all things, which naturally brings us back to Super Bowl, ugh, XLIII.

Look, I'd be the first to admit that if women were running the show, reporters would be asking Larry Fitzgerald what it feels like to be playing in Le Bowl Fantastique #43--feminized, perfumed, with periodic PMS-driven moodswings. Equally ridiculous and irritating, but the gift bags would be an improvement.

But it's not just the pomposity, it's the message it masks. Anyone who's ever watched the HBO series Rome (highly recommended) immediately gets how stratified Roman society was--if you're a plebe you do what you're told, if you're an aristocrat you get to participate in fruit-laden orgies. That, in a nutshell, is the not so subtle message: if you are a woman you bring the platters and replenish the drinks, if you're a man you might as well be Marc Antony having his way with the women who bring the platters and replenish the drinks.

This week, Tampa will transform into something not unlike swinging Rome in the era before Christ. The all-night parties, the hell-raising, the streets boiling with sexed-up boys and girls gone wild. People don't even stop at traffic lights--to Super Bowl party animals, a red light is just a bloodshot green light.yellow is just a reminder that a urinal is in the vicinity.

Anyway, all this NFL sanctioned male-oriented bullshit won't stop me from kicking back and enjoying the game. Of course I'll be Tivo-ing it and watching it late at night so I don't have to sit through all the stupid commercials.one of the worst rituals is the morning after the game having to dissect and rate the commercials. Not seeing the commercials enables me to say, with complete confidence, that they all sucked.

I know you're all been waiting for my Super Bowl prediction. Other than predicting I'll get hit on by at least eight drunken fools between now and the time this is posted on the site, I'm predicting the Cardinals score II touchdowns in the IVth quarter and win by XIV. (Come back later this week when the above will be translated into Latin. A lapsed Roman Catholic prelate will be online to assist you through some of the knottier passages. We are told that boys between the ages of 8-13 will be bumped to the head of the queue.)

Bill O'Reilly now has a "Policing the Net" segment on his Fox News show. Seriously. This is coming from a guy who has roughly the sexual impulse control of Tommy Lee on Spanish fly. But Sir Spanks-a-Lot has made himself judge and jury over what is appropriate for the World Wide Web. Last week's edition featured this:

In the policing the Net segment tonight, two controversial happenings: Saturday Night Live lampoons Ann Coulter, and another little kid is used -- and that's the correct word -- used to bash President Bush.

Let's start with the latter item. Bill showed a Web video of a 3-year-old girl playfully saying, "Goodbye, George Bush. I'm going to miss you. You taught me grammar (shows clip of Bush fumbling words), you taught me the meaning of pre-emptive strike (shows girl hitting her doll)." Then the little girl is shown kissing a magazine cover of Barack Obama. The clip ends with the girl saying, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

The piece was edited down from this original video on Momlogic.com. Compared to the Will Ferrell "Landlady" video, it was pretty tame. O'Reilly didn't think so. "I hate to see little kids used like that," he said. "I think it's wrong."

Amanda Carpenter, national political reporter for conservative Web site Townhall.com, was even more upset and made a desperate attempt to show that this is in fact child abuse:

Who knows what it's going to do for her future, quite frankly. Because she doesn't know what she's saying. But when she's 12, 13, 14, 15 and she wants to get a job, maybe this will be dug up.

So is Carpenter really saying that in nine years, when this child is 12 and needs to skirt existing child labor laws to find some off-the-books work at a sweatshop, the sweatshop owners, who will naturally be looking back at the Bush II years as the golden age of sweatshop management, will consult their database of blacklisted toddlers from 2009 and/or scour YouTube video by video to see if any of their applicants ever anonymously said anything disrespectful about George W. Bush when they were 3? And this alone will scuttle said 12-year-old's entrée into dangerous, low-paid factory labor? Or is she saying she'll lose babysitting jobs hand over fist to the girls who, as preschoolers, had the good decency and foresight to hold the most unpopular president in generations in high esteem?

Is this the sort of airtight logic that makes Townhall.com so revered in conservative circles?

Seriously, what career path would a 12-year-old be on that this video would destroy? It's not like she played the robot on Small Wonder. Unfortunately, that will follow that poor girl forever.

Still, Bill and Amanda were incensed and further pointed out that Telepictures is the parent company of the Momlogic.com, which, O'Reilly noted, produces Ellen. We smell a boycott.

But a protracted, ineffective boycott of the most lovable lesbian on daytime TV will have to wait. Bill had more policing to do.

Next was Web video of an Ann Coulter skit from SNL. Again, considering the subject matter, it's pretty tame. Even O'Reilly declared, "I don't see anything wrong with that."

But it was clear that O'Reilly was playing moderate to his far-right guest. Amanda argued that the skit went way over the line. "They kind of demean Ann Coulter into becoming this unwomanlike thing." Unfortunately for Amanda's argument, "Unwomanlike Thing" is what's printed under Coulter's name on her business cards.

Seriously, this is the same person who referred to the Jersey Girls -- four 9/11 widows who had criticized the Bush administration -- as "harpies" who were enjoying their husbands' deaths. Going after SNL on this is like arguing that a skit poking fun at Pol Pot went too far.

Carpenter wasn't finished: "They say that she's gonna become, I think it was a manlike serpent who will inherit the Earth and outlive anyone because she's like this subhuman alien figure. I mean, it's really insulting."

Ms. Carpenter is confusing "insulting" with "foreshadowing."

O'Reilly Protects the Ticketless

O'Reilly brought on Anne Schroeder, the gossip columnist for Politico.com, last Wednesday and asked her what was the most bizarre thing she had seen at the inauguration. We were sure she'd say something about a black guy being sworn in as president. Instead she gave us this gem:

Well, this inaugural is known as the people's inaugural. It's the most accessible inaugural. That's certainly what the Obama administration wanted to put out there. And yet I was at the Capitol Tuesday morning early in the morning and there were thousands of people who did not get into the inaugural to see Obama take his swearing in. And they came from Alaska; they came 14 by car. And they were left sort of stranded outside, crying from disorganization.

No one explained to Anne that they had tried to move the Washington Monument and the Reflecting Pool to make more room but ran into some union issues. Anne's tone became more thickly sarcastic:

However, I saw Oprah. I saw Beyoncé. I saw P. Diddy. I saw Mohammad Ali. I saw Ashley Judd. I saw Tim Robbins. And they certainly had no problems getting into the inaugural. And they certainly weren't out there at 5 in the morning.

O'Reilly: "Well, how does that work, though. How does that work?"

Schroeder: "People have various ticket levels. And obviously a celebrity can walk into the front of any line and get in. People recognize them ..."

Anne, were you dropped on your head before they started this segment? Are you seriously trying to put forth the idea that celebrities elbowed their way in after carpooling 14 in a vehicle from Malibu in a desperate, long-shot bid to find tickets or that the inauguration was like a 2 million person version of Studio 54 where the glitterati just showed up and cut in front of the undesirables? Surely even O'Reilly wouldn't buy this absurd interpretation of the seating arrangement.

O'Reilly: "Well, wait a minute, I would never do that. I mean I'm not gonna cut ahead of people and do that."

What is he talking about? Is O'Reilly claiming that he would have stood out among the throng at sunrise hoping to get a glimpse of the event rather than accept a reserved seat? Do his viewers really buy this faux populism shtick anymore?

O'Reilly tried to wrap his head around the crazy system of reserved seating: "What I understand, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that if you gave a lot of money to the Obama campaign then you got a special pass, a VIP pass, and tickets and this, that, and the other thing. You were told where to go and who to see. Is that correct?"

Anne feigned wonderment: "That's the impression I'm under."

O'Reilly concluded, "I think that's what it was. That if you were at a level if you kicked in thousands of dollars or bundled money for the Obama campaign, there was a certain avenue of information that you got that nobody else got. All right, let's assume that's true."

So let's get this straight. Apparently, O'Reilly and Schroeder are implying that Obama's wealthy contributors and high-profile celebrity supporters somehow obtained better seats than the guy who waves the "Free Crazy Bread" sign outside of Little Caesars and the kid who played Raj on What's Happening! What an outrageous departure from time-honored Washington tradition.

Yes, apparently these two dazzling intellects believe that all previous inaugurations were first-come, first-served general setting -- no savesies.

O'Reilly Protects the Skies

Bill O'Reilly and Politico's Anne Schroeder are the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers of false-outrage-inspiring news stories. Let's watch them dance:

O'Reilly led: "... at Dulles airport, was it true that they closed down a runway to let the private planes ..."

Anne didn't miss a step: "That's certainly what the news reports are saying. Yes. To accommodate everyone's private planes."

O'Reilly's fake rage was now fueled: "Now that's outrageous. If they did that at Dulles Airport, and we'll look at that. If they stopped the plane traffic there to get these private planes on the ground. That's outrageous. That should never happen."

Yes, it is true that Dulles did shut down a runway to accommodate the 500 planes that were expected for the inauguration. O'Reilly and his hack from Politico didn't mention (or bother to find out) that the runway that was shut down was just completed on November 20. So yes, Dulles International Airport went back to using the three runways it had used up until two months ago with no delays to commercial traffic. Outrageous!

As Star has reported John plans to propose on Feb. 11 -- Jen's 40th birthday. When John's friend asked if his girl will be wearing the ring, John laughed and replied, "There will be a big story coming out of the Oscars that night -- and it won't be about the winners."

Be forewarned, celebrities. John's not being coy about a possible engagement to Jennifer Aniston. He actually said the above quote to me. We were partying in the VIP section of Marquee with the Pussycat Dolls and Rumer Willis. John was smoking a cigar and nursing a glass of brandy. An ascot was tied around his neck and he seemed to pay no mind to the gorgeous women that flocked around him. In a hushed tone as he rubbed his hands fanatically together he told me, "There will be a big story coming out of the Oscars that night-and it won't be about the winners. Because there will be no winners. Only losers. The losers who I shall smite down with the power of mine mind, for I am John Mayer, Fire Starter." He then started to chuckle, which became more and more fanatical until I started to get seriously freaked out and Rumer was all like, "I'm out of here" and she left on her helicopter. John then threw something down and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. I haven't seen him since, though I've texted him like one hundred times. So please, celebrities, I urge you not to attend the Academy Awards. I tried to tell Star magazine this, but they truncated the quote to make it more palatable. We need our most important citizens not to die in a star-studded bloodbath of a firestorm created by John Mayer's mind. That would suck.

EXT - THE ISLAND - DAY

BARACK OBAMA, HURLEY, and CLAIRE are running through the jungle. All are sweating, out of breath, and wide-eyed. Obama leads the group, determined.

OBAMA: Come on!

The group crashes through the trees and brush, frantic. Finally, we see what is chasing them: the smoke monster.

HURLEY: What is it? What is it?

Obama stops and turns to look at the monster. Close up on his face.

OBAMA: It's the economy.

CUT TO title: LOST

***

EXT - THE BEACH - NIGHT

All survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 are standing on the beach, talking and surrounding Barack Obama, who is lit dramatically by torch light.

SAWYER: You need to get us off this stinkin' island, Obama!

SAYID: Does anybody even remember that the Others stole all our children?

LOCKE: This island has powers! I have a knife!

OBAMA: Look...my fellow survivors. I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed on me. That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every survivor, that we have duties, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

ROSE: Are you telling us that we need to build another boat?

OBAMA: Yes. And don't let it catch fire this time.

***

INT - THE HATCH - DAY

An alarm is going off. BARACK OBAMA sits in front of a computer, typing.

OBAMA: John, I need to know what the numbers are!

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: 4, 8, 23...

OBAMA: 4, 8, 23...

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Er, 4, 8 ,15, 16, 23...

OBAMA: 4, 8, 23, 15, 16...

The hatch explodes. Title: LOST.

End episode.

New eras don't usually start right away. The Pleistocene Era didn't get going for at least 40,000 years, and the Sixties didn't really start until 1964. But the Obama Era kicked into gear right away. I could barely keep track of Day One. Here's what I remember:

The media was all abuzz about President Obama's refusal to laugh at Vice-President Biden's weak joke about Chief Justice Roberts. Experts say this could lead to serious consequences for all lame humor - the nation could lose its supply of mimes, impressionists and those people in Times Square who hand you a flyer and say, "Do you like stand-up comedy?"

Obama re-did his swearing in, since Roberts mangled the oath the first time. This was nothing new. Chief justices traditionally screw over the newly elected president, as William Rehnquist did in 2000, when he wouldn't let Al Gore win the election.

Obama revamped www.whitehouse.gov to allow viewers to receive e-mail updates directly from the White House. Obama will thus reach more Americans than previous presidents, who used more primitive forms of communication - such as FDR (fireside chat), Carter (call-in show) and Clinton (semen).

Hillary Clinton was finally sworn in as Secretary of State, although Republicans vowed to continue investigating her husband until the end of his life. Although he does not hold elected office, experts believe he will become the first ex-president to be impeached.

Making good on a campaign promise, Obama will close Gitmo, which houses 245 of the dangerous inmates in the world. It is expected that they will be relocated to a place they will fit in, like the DMV or the Post Office.

Obama pledged to make his administration open and transparent, encouraging the free flow of information. This is in stark contrast to the Bush administration, which relied on a more cumbersome system of spying, leaks and Bob Woodward tell-all books.

Finally, Bush left his successor two things to remember him by: a note on the desk of the Oval Office, and Iraq. By all accounts, both are hard to figure out and full of mistakes.

Day Two of a presidency is usually not as momentous as Day One. Yet Obama's Day Two is looking like another Day One. I could make a joke about how Chief Justice Roberts is causing another do-over, but that would be a) lame and b) so two days ago.